WISE INTERNET PEOPLE, WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE?

Clock >> Alarm >> 3am.

If I pack everything tonight, I can wake up at 3am, have a quick shower and reach airport by 4am.

AirAsia has yet again rescheduled my flight. I was supposed to be on 9.25pm flight on a Friday and reach my destination before 12am.

Unexpectedly, around 4ish pm on Friday, I received sms and email informing the reschedule. My flight is now scheduled for 2 hours later (1130pm), which means I would reach my destination around 2am. If I took the reschedule flight, there was a good chance to be stranded at the airport till the break of dawn due to no grab rides.

The next best option I took was to take the earliest flight on Saturday, at 620am. There were many passengers on the same flight who took to complaining at the apps.

Some were venting, some were pissed and vowed to never taking AA flight again. I just wondered: How does complaining in an unmoderated chatroom going to solve anything?.

Rescheduling has happened before, and IT WILL happen again. No amount of complaining is going to change that.

For those who said they were never going to take AA again…..well, if you could have afforded other airlines, I don’t think you would have booked AA to begin with, but that’s a totally different entry.

So, Saturday morning, I woke up at 3am and by 340am, I was ready and booked for a Grab ride to the airport.

I took the elevator to ground floor and surprisingly noticed that the Grab driver was not at the lobby as usual.

He waited at the entrance instead. That felt a little strange. The security has no issues to let taxi / grab drivers to wait at the lobby. I didn’t think much of it and got into the car.

The driver was an elderly man. He asked me if he could go straight or make a U-turn to the airport.

I told him both works and he went to make a U-turn. It seemed that the U-turn took longer than usual, easily a minute or two. I assumed he is just taking his time to be careful and because it is so early in the morning there wouldn’t be that many cars on the road, so no need to rush.

You know when you have to be somewhere, even when there is time, you want to just reach the destination quickly and then do whatever you please with the ample time?.

We exchanged pleasantries and the uncle spoke good English. He was obviously someone who is well educated. After saying my prayers in the car for a safe journey, I couldn’t help but noticing the uncle’s hand was quivering.

Yes, it was quivering, and I came to a realization that this uncle could be suffering from Parkinson’s Disease.

I felt a little sorry for the uncle that hes drivering Grab at an elderly age, when he could be resting at home and obviously I felt sorry for his condition that he may be suffering from Parkinson’s and yet driving at 4am in the morning.

Almost 15 mins into the ride, he asked me: Is it okay if I drove slowly?. At this point, I was already feeling uneasy. It was approximately 15 mins past 4am and we are yet to hit the highway. I was conflicted. I couldn’t ask him to go fast because that might put me in danger. He was probably driving slowly because his response time is slower due to Parkinson’s.

I asked him: How long does it take to reach the airport. He replied another 37mins, quoting what Waze was showing. I knew there and then that it would take longer than that because the uncle is driving very slow like 40kmph.

I didn’t know what to do. Should I ask him to cancel my ride and drop me at petrol station and take another ride, or should I inform Grab that I feel unsafe in his car?.

I tried to stay calm. Although I can feel stress building up with passing minutes.

Then I noticed that the uncle wasn’t driving in the designated lane.

It was a 3 lanes highway. He was driving somewhere in between the second and third (fast) lane. We were lucky that it was so early in the morning that there were not many cars and lorries. I knew he was driving that way because the mid point of the dashboard was at the road markings between the lanes.

I wanted to say something at the same time didn’t want to pressure him to drive fast.

Then we came to a toll booth and he asked me: Just need to enter here right? Pay later?

Honestly I had no idea. I was so stressed and at this point scared for my safety. I don’t know if I would make it safely to the airport.

To put matter into context, there were 2 police patrol cars which overtook us. They honked at us because we were at the middle of the road.

I wonder why the didn’t pull us over with the suspicion of driving under the influence.

I arrived at the airport about 10 to 15 minutes later than shown at Waze.

What should I have done?

-should I have flagged this uncle because he was not fit to drive and was putting me and himself in danger? I mean I was just lucky to have made it without an accident.

If I had flagged him, would I have ruined his livelihood?

So where do I draw the boundary? Putting me and my safety first or putting and elderly man’s livelihood over my own safety???

I am so confused.

I asked him how long he has been driving grab to which he said since 2017.

I still couldn’t figure out what was the right thing to do under this circumstance.

WISE INTERNET PEOPLE, WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE?

YOU MAY STILL END UP BEING A SAD LONELY GAY MAN but any given day it is better to be a rich sad lonely gay man

 My attitude towards my job has been to be the guy who knows his job well and is good at it. I have tendency to over think and analyse things. Combine that with my attention to detail, I turn out to the ‘that’ guy who can trace back emails sent months or years ago to show that I have highlighted some thing and it was taken for granted until it went to hell.

To be fair, I would have indeed addressed a particular issue many times only for it to go in circles until it comes back to me for resolution.

Lately I am watching many videos on tiktok that says: at work, you should not show that you know everything because more and more work would be given to you compared to your less competent colleagues.

There are also many videos which highlight that if you are an over performer, that would translate into a threat to your colleagues or worse superior and they would instead gossip about you and ruin chances of you actually growing in the company.

The best is to do your task and only when the circumstances arise, you go the extra mile to show you are capable of doing extraordinary things.

I wish I knew this sooner. I always thought that if I am good at my work, that would suffice for me to go places. Like the fame, glory and money would come my way and gonads would vibrate due to my power to be extraordinary at work.

There aint no fame glory or shit in being an over achiever.

On one hand, I am glad that I know that now.

My question is: What if you are fundamentally someone who gives a 100% in whatever you do.

Confession time: I never consciously chose this career. It happened because after finishing my secondary education, I did not want to do O levels. Based on that I chose a university that enrolled me and based on my result, I chose my course in engineering.

People who talk about passion and advise about one pursuing something due to passion, I have lotsa respect for you but that’s not how my journey turned out to be.

Im just a guy who took a practical decision. From there, I wanted to give my very best. While I witnessed colleagues, less competent than me getting multiple promotions, I was side-lined. My promotion did not come from my immediate supervisor but from my boss’s boss.

So work started piling. Projects after projects. I am not sure if it was intentional that the company refused to hire more people to work with me, while the incompetent guy had 10 guys working for him while being the least performing team.

After many years, the frustration comes in and I started manifesting. I wanted a break. I wanted a job that gives me time and financial freedom. I manifested this for many years.

Guess what. I happened. I got a job that was not so busy. The thing about manifesting is that it is best to be clear of what you want. Heard of the saying: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR?

I got a job that turns out to be less busy that my previous job but the office environment was toxic. Everyone gossiped because one has less things to do and they compensate with bitchin.

It sucks to be looking for another job, but to be frank it is scarier to think that I wouldn’t have things to market if I continued to stay with this organization.

So ima be manifestin somethin else now.

With age comes maturity and I feel I know a little better of what I want.

Well I may not know what I WANT, but I definitely know WHAT I DON’T WANT.

I also urge my fellow readers to pay attention to financial planning.

If you are an over thinker like me, someone who hates depending on others, gay with no legal rights to partnership, you may want to set all your priorities right.

You can be with someone or in a meaningful lasting relationship but do consider the fact that it does not happen for everyone.

Gay men have lotsa issues. There are also those who take advantage of the other. I know it is an unfair stereotyping, but it is better to be biased if it drives you to put in multiple contingencies rather than trusting blindly, losing yourself completely and maybe what you have earned.

Do a simple mathematics.

Assume you are going to live upto 70.

Pick the age you want to retire, X.

No. of months your retirement fund must last: (Life expectancy - Retiring age) x 12.

Look at all your investments, EPF, etc and look at the projection at your retirement age. That’s your retirement fund.

So:

Retirement fund / no. of months retirement fund must last = how much money you can spend a month >> lets call this figure: “Wake up call”

If the “Wake up call” is giving you sleepless nights….you should wake up and do financial planning before it is too late.

For people like me out there, it is ok if you do not have a passion. Maybe you might not have one or you have not found it yet. Remember, that it is no excuse to not be financially prepared to tackle any circumstances.

If you start today, maybe in 10 years you would have some form of backup. 

I MEAN YOU MAY STILL END UP BEING A SAD LONELY GAY MAN but any given day it is better to be a rich sad lonely gay man

 

The 4 series club

 As a guy in the 4 series club, I ask myself:

1.       At 40, should I have settled down in my life?

2.       At 40, should I have found my perfect job?

3.       At 40, should I have found / experienced / be in love?

4.       At 40, should I have sorted my financial independence?

5.       At 40, should I have thought about when I should / want to retire?

6.       At 40, should I have found my passion?

7.       At 40, should I consider relocating to another state if there is a better opportunity?

8.       At 40, should my decisions in life take into consideration of other people? – my parent, whos going to take care of them, am I selfish if I want to pursue what I want in life?

9.       At 40, should I come out?

10.   At 40, should I still keep buying things I have fetish for?

11.   At 40, should I change my sexual role?

AtAt 40, should I get my shit together and join pool parties in KL?

dAt 40 should I have so many unanswered QUESTIONS??

It was so Good, Gonads, vibrated

Usual Wednesday at office. Typical lunch hour. Food hunting at Pavi area. My boss likes to eat Arabic food. Me, I am ok with any. There is this shop that we go to quite frequently.

Today, at the restaurant we noticed something different. The food portion was bigger, also the price slightly more expensive.

Then the ambiance of the shop was also upgraded.

Then the waiter...i dont think he was the waiter..maybe the owner or partner

OMG!!

Omaigad that guy……he is arab..and damn he so FINEEEE

Tall, buff, handsome af….i guess everything is bigger and taste better in Arab…

Like “everything”

if he was a burger, i would wait for meal time with enthusiasm everyday.

When we were leaving, he made a little wave….and I would say….gonads vibrated

 

The Uncontrollable Need to be a Saviour

 

Beep….I tagged out from the office.

Another busy day. I carried my laptop bag on my back and gym bag on my left shoulder.

As I walked pass the glass doors of other offices in the same floor, I can’t help but feel like I look like a homeless person with all these bags everywhere around me.

I looked at my watch and it shows 6.05pm. Peanut butter, milk powder and fruits.

These are the things I have to buy before going home.

The monorel came. During 6pm peak hour hustling to get into the train is inevitable and ALWAYS there are people blocking the entrance.

Maybe they are just afraid that if they move aside, they would die. I did what I had to do: Hit some of them with my bags and moved further into the train to secure a comfortable place. Saw a guy wearing tight slacks and he had muscular butt……………but we are not going to talk about that. This is not a thirsty post. Maybe the next one.

As I got down at KL Sentral, and thinking about what to eat, I saw some people waiting at the escalator. They were begging. Some had a basket filled with tissues. I assume the try to sell something in exchange to those tissues, basically a more decent form of begging.

One of them was on a wheelchair. Every time I pass by them, I try to contribute some money. Maybe a ringgit or two if I have them. On the days that I don’t, I tell myself maybe tomorrow.

Here’s the thing: I believe that even a ringgit donated sincerely, would benefit them.

Everytime I pass them by, I can’t help but to ask myself: What could have been their story? How did they end up on the streets? It must have been really tough for them. Maybe they used to be a businessperson who was doing well and then their business went bankrupt. Maybe their kids grew up and ditched them. Perhaps, at one point, they too were working in offices and they take train and sometimes wear slacks, enhancing their muscular butts.

More often than not, their baskets would be empty, as in there is no money in it. Tissues are there, just no money.

Never once, it occurred to me to take a packet of tissue from the basket. For me, I was doing my good did for the day. To empathise and do my part to make the world a little better.

As I got my groceries and was going back to my car, I saw these beggars again near the escalator and face lit up. I was enthused. I was breathing the motivated breath. I skippity skipped towards them.

The bounce in my steps, the aura of an angel, the expression on my face: a mixture of satisfaction and smiling ear to ear………I was READY. Ready to take some change, put it in their basket, gentle tap on their hand and say: This too shall pass. One day, you are going to look back and remember that this is your lowest point. Things will only get better from here.

As I skippity skipped towards them, by eye brows frowned, my steps slowed down and I was taken by surprise. The lady sitting on the wheelchair took out her ginormous phone.

This wasn’t any ordinary ginormous phone. It had a screen bigger than my own phone. So she took her phone out, answered the call and put it back where no one could see it.

Then, it hit me. While I was giving them money all these while, never once have I noticed them to be dirty. They do not look like they skipped a meal too. Don’t get me wrong, there are beggers in Brickfields who are homeless, dirty and sleep on the pavements.

However, the ones that I have been giving money too are not one of those.

Then I recalled another incident flashing through my mind.

Many years ago, while I was picking up my laundry and chatting with the shop keeper, there was an elderly lady who came into the shop and said to me: I feel really hungry, could you give me some money so that I can buy something to eat. Me being all concerned and sorry for her, took the wallet out.

As universe would have it, I didn’t have any small change. Since she was elderly and hungry there was this uncontrollable need to become the saviour and ease her pain. I handed to her a 5 ringgit note.

This cunning ass woman on the other hand, saw a 10 ringgit and 20 ringgit notes in my wallet and had the audacity to tell me: Why don’t you take this 5 ringgit back, and give me the 10 instead?. What can I do with this 5 ringgit.

Did this woman just shit on my face??

I couldn’t comprehend for a moment what just happened. The shopkeeper and I exchanged glances. I could see that the shopkeeper had a faint smile at the corner of her mouth.

Then it hit me: THIS WOMAN, IS A SCAMMER.

This is what she does. She asks people money, pretending to be hungry.

I must have gotten a little pissed off.

I told her: Aunty, you can take this 5 ringgit if you want, otherwise you can just leave. I am not going to give you 10 ringgit.

She looked at me, made shit face, took the money and left. Without even a thank you.

Coming back to the KL Sentral beggar situation, where do we draw the boundary between lending a helping hand, listening ear and empathizing people?.

Do they even need our help, or is it something embedded in our DNA? Well, in my DNA??

Where does this uncontrollable need to be people’s saviour come from? Could it be the way that I grew up that I feel like I HAVE to be the person who picks up after everybody’s problem, because if I don’t everything goes to hell?

Was there even the need to do so? Maybe everyone is perfectly capable of resolving their own problems. Due to my own DNA fault I put my head into other people's assholes.

Do people really just keep quiet when they are offered help, even if they don’t need it?.

I am sure there are times when we ….. not we I am told that well, no one asked you to help. You volunteered. Well, if I didn’t no one would have done it and it would have been a shit storm.

Why is there the need for me to become superman and dive in to help people?

I remember reading somewhere, if you tolerate shit long enough, you start to normalize it, and that shit is ok. Well shit is not ok.

People say that no good deed goes unpunished.

I say, if someone does not ask you to help them and you do it anyways, there is no value to the help that you extended.

Not only would it not be appreciated, you could be possibly be smothering people by your constant attention, care and empathy.

I don’t want to be a Superman. I want to wear my undies inside. I just don’t know how. I cant draw the boundaries for the people I care about. Maybe the problem is that I care too much too quickly.

Google: How to not care unnecessarily???

Inner Chatter, Saboteur, Growing Up

 I sat there quietly, entertaining the chatter in my head. It feels like a walk in the park today.

Makes me wonder. Am I the only person who has an inner chatter? Makes me feel a little special…also, can’t help feeling a little crazy at times.

Where does being self-sustained, talking to self stop and crazy begins??.

Disclaimer: I am not making a mockery of mental illness. Just sharing my experience and how I deal with it. So, you could kindly unbunch your panties and sniff it, it would be great…ok, don’t sniff it…its not cute.

Each to its own ya. To be honest, I have a love and hate relationship with my inner chat. Hate at first, can’t say I love it now but I am proud of it..

I use it to reason out and rationalize things. I talk to myself from a third person’s perspective.

The bad thing about it is….you have only your own perspective with chances of getting the situation all wrong.

Why? Because you are influenced by your emotions and baggages.

I went through situations when my inner chatter used to be my inner saboteur.

My mind recalls as many unpleasant things in the past.

Heck, the first thing I do when I wake up would be just that.

Whether it is something someone said, or the way they acted or reacted. It sucks me into having a ‘pretend’ conversation with them, sometimes for extended period of time.

I think about ways I could have said things differently.

In all those conversations, I would be Mr. Sassypants, saying things they could not argue with. If only there was a Mr. Sassypants competition I would have won something.

It took some time before I realized…that’s some crazy shit I’m doing. Why….? Because:

1.       That conversation is only a figment of my imagination.

2.       The conversation in my head may never happen.

3.       Pretending or pre-empting how I could react to a similar situation in future has almost a non-existent probability.

I have read time and time again that negativity attracts negativity. I think anger, frustration and grudge are pretty negative.

The irony is that the person you are having imaginary conversation with has no idea about it, or they might not even know that they have offended you.

To put things into perspective, people say lotsa things when they are upset. Heck, I say lotsa shite when I am.

Recently a friend of mind shared a youtube clip. In it, there was a sentence that caught my attention: NO ONE CAN HURT YOUR FEELINGS. Your feelings are your own.. and they said something else I can’t recall exactly. The gist of it is: your feelings come from your your own perspective. Whatever anyone else says or does, the choice is yours to take offense or not.

So why not choose to not be offended. Dismiss unpleasant thoughts or don’t indulge in it.

It is not easy. I have tried a million times and failed. I still fail now, but I fail trying.

I remind myself constantly it is not worth getting upset over things. Things I am not in control of. I am not even fully in control of myself, no way I can or ever be in control of other people or their thoughts.

So, what’s next?

Next is letting go.

Disclaimer: I don’t know what letting go is. My interpretation is: If I have let go of something, it means I am no longer triggered by or get upset by it. When or if I recall it, I am able to acknowledge that ‘it’ happened, and say it is ok. That’s letting go.

I failed many many times. For every time I succeed it is orgasmic and addictive.

Over time, I notice that I become less affected by things / people. I focus on my inner peace instead. People come and go and it is ok. I do cherish all the little things and blessings while it lasts. The little smile, gentle kiss, embrace, peace, all while it lasts. Then, with gratitude lets move on. Live and let live.

Remember the time someone reported my insta video with hundreds of likes. Things like this don’t bother me anymore. I used to be upset by it. Now, I have a clarity that I’m not going to stop posting new videos. I enjoy doing it, love the attention I get from it. On the other hand, I hope the person who reported it finds peace. For whatever reason my video was reported, it is ok…

Champion League Spandex

 Funny story. We were waiting for the lift to arrive to go for lunch. As usual, our public transportation gave a few reasons to mumble and complain. The door opens and our expat colleague is no where in sight. Since we have already skipped one lift, waiting for him to take a dump, we went in. as he rushed into the lift the conversation suddenly changed. My colleague with whom I was talking about our public transport asked the expat colleague: well the champions league just started.

The expat colleague was quick to add something. They were chatting excitedly. All I heard was blababalalalala blab la blalalalalalala pfftttt…

When we reached the ground floor, to add insult to injury, the expat colleague asked me. Yes ME!, he went: SO, DO YOU FOLLOW CHAMPION LEAGUE?.

The only thing I know about it would be the spelling. While I try to construct something intelligent, witty and probably a funny one liner…..he added: SO, NOTHING, ZERO….ZILCH?? I felt attacked.

Damn youuuuuuuuuuu expat colleague!…how in the world did he know…?

Guess what our lobby was FULL with people.

Hey if football was about guessing whos butt looked the best in shorts, I would have a PHD. Not pretty huge d**k you perves. Football is just………………………………………too complicated. Why don’t people talk about swimming, gymnastics, cycling……….in general sports where people wear spandex. Well that’s something to TALK ABOUT.

 

We are all a little bit racist arent we?

 We are all a little bit racist, aren’t we?.

Our packaging may be different but our core, unfortunately is the same.

Perhaps we shouldn’t try to be 100% not racist.

Definitely not a 100% racist, but at least the level of racist that is acceptable.

We live in a multi ethnicity environment.

We may live in the same country, but we grew up differently.

The same way we grew up in the same family but there will definitely be a little bias amongst the way parents treated us. If you are the only child, you are one lucky madafaka.

Parents are supposed to not pick their favourite.

Why??, because that is the right thing to do.

The heart wants what it wants. The age old conflict between the matters of the heart and matters of the mind.

It is just frowned upon to admit it, to be 100% truthful.

What is the ultimate truth?? Being righteous? Being right? Or being right according to what is expected by the religion, the society, or the country you live in?

It is very subjective. You can’t be right all the time. Never wrong as well at all times.

Maybe it is common sense or empathy.

When your eldest sibling scores straight A’s and get a Desktop, the youngest sibling scores an A in 1 subject and get a remote controlled car and you score straight A’s and get shit in return…

well not shit just conveniently being told that the other siblings asked for the things they wanted while you did not that is just some shit talk….

Arent you supposed to be fair to all your children?. There will be some bias here and there. Intentional or not.

Same thing in this country. Segregation, privileges, thesre things are not fun to talk to. Definitely not fun to experience. It is what it is.

The game is not always fair. You are dealt with your cards and you have to play your game no matter what.

If you cant win, try to not be the last player. If you lose, minimize your damages.

Come on, we all have experienced it people judge you by your skin colour, what you wear and your appearance.

This has been normalized. If you are buff, you get the attention. If you are handsome, people want to be your friend.

Come dating apps. If you are a certain race, people think you are dirty and smelly. If you are the other, it is assumed you don’t bathe and wash your ass. If you are another, you fuck raw and are possibly hiv positive.

Is it really wrong to state the race you like in your dating app?

Is it frowned upon?

Is it morally wrong?

Wouldn’t it be a lot better to mention it and save both parties’ time, at the risk of coming off as an asshole or is it just a good thing to do?

I am not sure of what is right or wrong.

Personally I don’t like to state the race or religion I like to date, as much as I don’t like to be rejected based on my ethnicity.

At the same time, like I said, the heart wants what it wants. I do have preference.

Everybody does.

I choose not to explicitly put it in my profile.

Then there are those who outwardly reject people based on their ethnicity but showers them with compliments like: You are the most good looking xxx (ethnic) I have seen. How are you so fair / smooth?.

So, should I give you a medal because you generally hate my kind but you make exception for me?

Thank you for your compliments but you are not worth my time and attention.

What makes you think you could judge others and at the same time give backhanded compliments because then, I would respond to you.

Its like…Ugghhh ur so ugly but I’ll fuck you because no one else if fucking me.

Newsflash: No one wants you because you are a racist pig. No offense to pigs.

At the end of the day, try not to be a pig. Just take things easy and go with the flow.

 

 

As You Wipe Yourself Dry, Between Your Thighs and You Do it Ever So Slowly and Seductively, You Would Feel That Much More Comfortable in Your Skin.

Whatsapp notification: <forwarded memes>. Quickly put a thumbs up, coz lets face it, you belong the group of people pleasing people who has to respond in some way. You acknowledge it and at the same time, you’d like to be this cool dude whos like….yeahhh whatevs mate…keepin it cool and chill.

At the back of your mind, you realize that the whatsapp group has become a lot less active. You also hold the urge to not go all “EXTRA” by responding immediately.

In the religion of Whatsapp group, responding immediately is taboo. If you do, people might think you have a little too much time, or you are overly enthusiastic and that does not bode well with “yeahh whatevs mate aura”.

There groups where some members are always about their shit and when it comes to your turn expecting the slightest of empathy and support, instead of allowing you to vent, or rather attempt at venting, they ask you to be patient. Dafuk, you shoudda told yourself that during your own shitstorm. Guess what?? Nope that’s not the case.

Its always the one who is the most concerned that have to put up with blatant negligence. Lemme put it in another perspective, it is always those who try to be supportive who gets taken for granted. Coz, lets face it, when you are always available, you lose your value. Imagine a hottie who looks at you once while swimming in a public pool. You feel excited, you feel anxious and thrilled. Imagine the hottie does not stop giving you attention, his hotness becomes questionable. People be like: He’s really hot, but he gives too much attention, what could possibly be wrong??. Theres nothing wrong with the hottie, you pig.

You know the part where you were told to be helpful without expecting anything in return, that’s bullshit said by ungrateful people who has indeed received favour(s) from others and they don’t want to return one. The easy way out is to imply that you should not expect anything in return. Then there are the nasty ones who say: I think you did this on your own, I did not ask you to do it. You had a choice didn’t you?. Yes, we did have choice and we chose to be nice.

End of the day, be a little smart about things.

They are not wrong when they said, you had a choice, why are you getting upset when it is not acknowledged or appreciate it.

I think as human beings, some of us are wired to think of the greater good. Let it be your family of friends. You feel like it is only human to be nice or to do something nice for others. While others are wired to ask themselves: What good does this serve me. If I do this for you, what may I get in return.

This is more prevalent in hetero normative relationships. Boys in general are and will always be calculative. That’s part of being alpha and what not. When he is nice to a girl, its either he’s courting her or she has nice boobs. Ok scratch that, hes being nice because he has something in mind to get in return.

I may be a sceptic, but I cant deny it because I have personally seen it many times.

To be fair, this shit is also common amongst herero normative relationships. There are guys who can be sly and charming to get what he wants, while there are those who are just ‘preys’.

It is your own self that you have to do yourself any favour.

Teach yourself to be independent. Some people may have their families and friends to support them. Good for them. Universe blessed them with such.

Others, try not to get into everybody’s business. I know, you become invested in other people’s lives because you probably have gone through some similar circumstances before. In the good spirit of trying to prevent the hassle, you offer unsolicited advise to the people you care.

Maybe if an advise it not requested from you, you should not offer it. Just focus on yourself perhaps??

Unsolicited advise may seem a little (a LOT) busy bodyish.

Then there are people who get lonely when you no longer respond to their shit in whatsapp group. Plenty of times, they would text in groups asking: Hey xxx, are you okay, why haven’t you said hi in a while?.

Huh?, Why do I have to say hi first every time? Am I obligated to?.

Why don’t you initiate the conversation? Just ask if everything is okay instead of seemingly imposing that a certain member of the group has not said anything in a while, while the person who asked that is undeniably the one who demands the most attention in the group most of the times while being the least responsive when it is other people’s shit.

Personally, my take is, you do you. You don’t need to conform to anybody’s expectations. Make sure to gradually focus on your growth and personal wellbeing. There may have been a time when all of you were the thickest of buddies. Over time, the friendship might have been tried and tested. At least have the maturity to acknowledge that you are no longer at that space. Leave when it is toxic and consuming.

There will always be people who want to get favours from you. Worse, take you for granted. A man who makes a mistake once is human, a man who keeps doing the same mistake is stupid.

Apply it in all aspects of your life. Amongst friends, siblings, colleagues, etc. It is extremely liberating. When you are used to managing on your own, you will respect yourself more. You wouldn’t participate in unnecessary gossips. More importantly your gut feelings will always remind you to focus on yourself coz u aint got no time for other people’s shite.

Even more important than that, you would stop relying on anyone.

The independence would make you feel so damn confident. Confidence is so extremely attractive.

The next time you put on an itty bitty pants to gym, you wouldn’t second guess yourself.

The next time you intentionally bring a small hand towel instead of jumbo towel to public pool, as you wipe yourself dry, between your thighs and you do it ever so slowly and seductively, you would feel that much more comfortable in your skin.

The next time you linger slightly longer in the bathrooms of public pools and gyms, after shower while caressing your tights / speedo bulge with a raging hardon trying to pay the least attention to hunky boys walking about, WELL YOU ARE JUST A SICK PERVERT!!!!

Who Are We, Seriously??

I am not sure about the rest of the world....of the thing about split personality.

the realms or so called avatar of ourselves, the way we project ourselvesonline.

Whether it is a facade or an image of our true self. Who we think we are in our hearts and mind may be different than what we project online.

so which "realm" is real. which one is fake?. I feel to an extend, everything interlays with one another and theres nothing wrong with that. 

the world is big enough for all of us to co-exist. YES BUT GETTING JUDGED FOR IT IS TOTALLY A DIFFERENT STORY.

I have many facades myself and several social media handles.

There is a huge difference from one another. In some I portray my friendships, relationships and opinion about the important things.

In the other, i potray a part of me who likes sexier things. the things that make me feel good and confident.

Some others are purely for the attention from other men. I am not even ashamed of it. I like men. Thats not news. I like men who feels attracted to me. I like men who feels attracted to me and feels thirstly. I like men who feels attracted to me, feels thirsty and says i drive them crazy...i like men....i think u get the idea...if i continue, it would turn into softporn and your software would become hardware

The number of people i meet from online or rather the "success rate" is very low. the thing about me is that i am used to being completely independent that it has become my comfort zone.

Everything feels like a chore, to meet someone outside, or making plans with someone to meet up, things like that. 

You may not agree but if you have lived by yourself for 8 years, you may relate. It could be also due to the level of maturity that comes with age. I seek for someone who is independent and who can be on the same level of intellect

The guys who approach me feels that they would like to have sex with me. Nope nothing wrong that. Sometimes, some guys are REALLY not worth the effort.

I do reply to profiles without pictures. If they have something interesting written in their profile. That that ass of a person would revert with 'Pic?" >> Your mader pic la bodo.

Also I am guilty of not showing my face picture. I guess thats a major deal breaker. suit yourselves.

I just cant seem to understand when people are so caught up with face picture. I wonder why you tapped or decided to text me to begin with?. Could it be my profile name? coz mine says "Read". It means read the profile. If you dont read my profile where it clearly says i dont share face picture, maybe you are stupid or retard, lets not insult the disabled shall we.

oh by the way, i dont initiate messages with anyone coz you know:

The rule is: Whoever shows interest first, it is assumed that they have the leverage.

A wise guy once said: Gay men and undies are synonymous. 

A wiser guy said: undies, tights, speedos, short shorts are. The wiser guy is me.

One of my social media is exclusively for the above. It makes me feel good.

The world would a better place if there were more slumber parties with mandatory spandex. Well the idea of slumber party is pretty messed up is ask me. 9 out of 10 men take it as orgy.

I dont think they are the same. Why arent we capable to dress up is something sexy and socialize?.

Theres also somethings i genuinely dont understand. Gay men in the recent years are okay with posting pictures / videos of them having sexual intercourse, the faces and asses exposed.

I always thought less is more. to tease, to show just enough instead of baring all. once these things are on the internet, they stay there forever.

Each to its own i guess.

This may be an unpopular opinion but, i dont think assholes are pretty. especially an ungroomed ones.

cream pies....you better make sure you are at least on prep..

other things as well but im not going down that path.

I guess my point is, while there may be so many layers to ourselves, we cant help but to judge or being judged by our online presence.

people who live in glass houses shouldnt throw stones. if you are not strong to take the criticism, it would be a good idea to limit your online presence to people who respond positively to it.

I get many DMs asking about the same things:

1. Would i like to join an orgy?

-Thank you for asking, I am not comfortable doing it.

2. Do I chem?

-Each to its own. No interested in it

3. Can I have your undies?

-Dont be a cheap hoe, thinking you are entitled for free stuff. Buy your own undies you piece a shit!

Scanning for Balls, Undetected

It wasn’t even that obvious. Just a passing look. How could that make me feel something. It was not fear. Definitely not lust. It was yearning. It is amazing how something so brief, within a split second could say so much. What should I do?

To pursue it, it means I have to come out of my comfort zone. Maybe face rejection. More than that, I do not have it up my sleeves the skills to do it. I have never done it before.

The social media persona / the person we project to the world is not who we are in real. In the actual world, there are  consequences. Cause and effect and real emotions involved.

So, I am going to do what I have always done. Secretly wish someone will take the first step. I know, it is pathetic.

The first step is to acknowledge that there is a problem…

Quick question: How many more steps before I grow so
me balls to pursue it??

In the mean time, lets keep blaming the world that good things never happen to me.

Seek? Pic? T or B?

Seek?...

Pic?..

How about a total random pictureless profile asking for your pictures?

I have read somewhere that a lot of people live in their own bubble. Imaginary world where they feel like the sun revolves around them. Some people call it self confidence.

Quite the contrary, I think you should remain in the bubble, for the greater good of the mankind.

I mean if you have a blank profile and demand pic from others, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU ??

First of all, thank you for texting me and saying you enjoyed my writing. I appreciate it. It may not change the world, but it may make you a little horny…err I mean…nope…horny that’s exactly it lol..

We have all come across these scenarios. I think there’s a learning curve and an obvious math to it all.

When I used to be underweight. Like realllyyy underweight, any random texts from any random people including weird ones, racists and self entitled ones used to excite me.

Now come on! Don’t disagree with me: If someone says No INDIANS (Capital) / no Chinese (usually without Capital). These do not translate as preference. Preference is when you choose to not respond / block when someone harasses you or to act mature and actually telling them that they are not your taste.

For those who keep texting when the other does not respond, there is a little something called self respect. You do not owe him anything. He doesn’t want anything to do with you. There are millions of other “male chicken” out there to try. You deserve better.

Then there is another type of people who offer money to blow or get f**ked. I am not exactly sure of your circumstances. Maybe you are married or cheating or extremely closeted, or you may feel like you actually need to pay to have some “rub-rub oolala”.

Really?? You would pay for rub-rub-oolala?.

Isn’t there a “market” for every type of guy out there.

Some like chubby, some like skinny, some like hairy, some like smooth and some like smooth body with thick thighs, itty bitty waist and wet dripping spandex from heaven.

I do not know why you may want to pay for it but doesn’t paying for massage and get your money’s worth of happy ending better than facing rejection from someone who thinks you are beneath him.

Talking about the gay math, it varies from one individual to another. Personally, mine comes from my journey of self-realization and self-worth.

Well I have not gotten my shite figured out and together but me believe is that: I should only meet midways and to not let myself completely go in any relationship / hook-up. Why? Coz when everything else goes to hell, you only have yourself to pick yourself back together.

Sometimes I wonder: Do we really enjoy compliments from everyone?

Sometimes I think that we appreciate the compliment more when it comes from someone we like / attracted to.

So, WHAT DO YOU SEEK?

I do not know. That is my honest answer. Why don’t you tell me what you can offer instead.

And……if you send your picture without saying anything. I think you need to wakeup and not think so highly of yourself. You may think you are a 10, but I may think you are an ASSHOLE.

Being a Peacock, Is it a Trend or am I Reading too Much Into It?

I cant decide between overthinking or if it means something else.

Lately I notice this happening more frequently at the gym. 

Incident 1:

I am done with working out at the gym and head to changing room. Since I go early in the morning, there are only a handful of guys at the gym who come around the same time. I noticed this dude has a habit of lingering in the changing room, flexing his muscles. Well, nothing out of the ordinary to be honest. This person is a habitual poser and I didnt pay much attention to it as I need to rush for shower and head to work. Initially, he was all about flexing at looking at himself in the mirror. I admire his confidence to do it in public. Well, the public being me and I could never flex in front of people like that. Then after a few days, about the time I go into the changing room, this time his shirt was off + flexing.

Okkk, he was easy on the eyes and I told myself: Wow, this guys is really confident isn't he?.

Another few more days, you have guessed it right, the same guy, about the same time staring in the mirror flexing. His shirt  was off and his pants was also off.....his boxer briefs had cartoon patterns on them...

Incident 2:

I was at a different club closer to home. It was a weekend and the gym was pretty packed. Some of them looked friggin good looking. Some looked like models. I noticed this guy smooth, fair skin. Was wearing long tights with jersey shorts over it. Microfibre shirt, bulging muscles and pretty handsome. I was doing back, he was doing arms. He finished his workout 30 mins (approx.) before me. 

I assumed he left as the gym was pretty packed. As I went to the locker connected to the changing area he appeared suddenly and started flexing at the mirror. I got my shaker and went to fill with water and returned to the locker area. He was still there, flexing and suddenly he took his shirt off and continued flexing.

Incident 3:

It was an early morning workout and there was this muscular guy who was taking too long in between sets, like 10 mins apart walking around, using his phone and taking selfies. After 15 mins I gave him a piece of my mind and told him off to share the equipment as hes busy walking around and wasting time. So we did share and done with the session. After a few days the same guy was at the gym. I didnt look at him and did my thing. After shower, I was all dressed and applying some face cream. That guy appeared, put his bag beside me, took his shirt off and was staring into the mirror. It felt uncomfortable. I didn't turn /look up and quickly left the gym.

Is this common behaviour in the gym or am I missing something?

Let's say I am a little syok sendiri and assume that they are hinting something, isn't saying Hi a good starting point instead of being a peacock about it?.

I will agree that all these men look amazing, but I cant help but to think: DO I COME OFF AS AN EASY TARGET WHOM WILL RESPOND TO JUST ANYONE? dafuk bro..#oofended

How Much are You Willing to Share / Put Out There

i got off the bus and started walking towards home. one of the houses in our neighbourhood has put out their washed clothes to dry. i saw it and got excited. at 13ish years, it was a guilty pleasure. every time i walked pass this house in particular, my heart would beat a little faster. i would be looking at all the men underwear put to dry. i would quickly glance at the colour, the different types of cut and tell myself there must be many boys in this house. every time this happened, i would make sure no one noticed me. back in the 90s, the age where the internet was not a necessity this was as far as my curiosity went. even at that age i had a 'thing' for men's undies.

to put things into perspective, I am a male in his late 30s, single, lives by himself and unsure of my sexuality. today i would like to put my story out in the open hoping anyone reading this out there would give me some clarity and guide me towards self acceptance.

being young, naive and not earning my own income, i was always a little bit obsessed with men's undies. if my parents are not at home, i would strip down to my undies and be in the house feeling pretty thrilled. then, i would fantasize and feel sexy about it.

when i was 17, i had two girls confessing to me. these girls were some of my best friends but i did not feel anything when they confessed. one of the girl even came and laid on my bed when we visited a friends house but i just felt nothing. i had already hit puberty and was raping my mattress frequently but when she laid next to me and was chatting i felt absolutely nothing.

fast forward to my university days, i noticed that many of my male friends were naturally trying to get the attention from the opposite sex. while i have to admit that sometimes when girls talked to me, i did feel pretty excited, it wasnt reason enough for me to actively pursue anyone.

while in university, i was on a scholarship and had extra money to spare. during these years i experimented with lots and lots of men's undies. going to the mall to look at them, buying them always exhilarated me. most of the time, i would get a hardon and get leaking down there.

my roommate during university happened to be from boys school. growing up in conservative family, there wasnt any physical affection shown towards me / my siblings. there wasnt any hugs or kisses from my parents of relatives. Contrary to his my roommate was hugging me from the back and we would cuddle in bed. it was very new to me. something i have never experienced all my life. at that point of my life, i didnt realize the feelings i had. i never really processed it.

my roommate had a steady girlfriend during the first semester. it didnt bother me that much. i knew he had a girlfriend and he was very affectionate to me. occasionally i would get jealous but it was not anything major.

slowly and gradually, my keen interest on men undies became more obvious. i stayed in dormitories and when i walk pass the laundry area, i would stop and look at all the undies laid out to dry. even so, after shower i didnt look at the boys in a lustful way. well that part of me was not awakened.

slowly i realized that when i cuddle with my roommate, i would get raging hardon and would be leaking precum. i think he did also but we never talked about it or addressed it.

fast forward to when i graduated at 23, i started to explore web based dating sites. back in the days there wasnt any smart phone and we only had these dating sites to explore.

i realized there was manjam (gay dating site), Hi5 (you could choose which gender you want to date), planetromeo (gay dating), friendster all of which where i have profiles with pictures of me in my undies but my head cropped off.

i freaking loved the attention from the same gender. the whole process of buying undies, putting them on, taking pictures, getting the attention thrilled me. then i got into msn messenger, yahoo messenger, icq to chat. yahoo messenger even has chatrooms that caters for your specific interests.

back in the days when we had to use dialup modem to connect to the internet and there was no such thing as unlimited internet, my curiosity got the better of me. one day, i was browsing the internet for the movie jeans using Yahoo, and suddenly there was a website description that said: would you also like to look at the front, referring to male crotch in jeans. i was 15 at this time and immediately clicked it. mind you, the desktop was at the middle of our living room. this continued for some time. i would browse Chrisgeary.com

 at look at all the boys wrestling in baby oil, men in speedo in particular really turned me on.

me being me, i just never acted on it. i didnt know what being gay / homosexual was. as far as i was concerned, i naturally didnt have any interest to pursue girls and i didnt know pursuing boys was even an option. at the same time boys being boys when they playfully grab my crotch it was alot of fun.

so the multiple online profiles with my face cropped off, wearing only undies, chatting on messenger and icq with gay men, doing webcam without my face showing went on for a few years.

then something inside me asked me: am i gay? even at 26, i didnt try to date girls. i look at cute boys. bubble butts in slacks and lean men in tight shirts excite me. so i decided to try having sex with men. i spoke to one of the guys on manjam and went to his place for sex. it was a hour journey and when i reached his house, he turns out to be completely not my type. i didnt want to turnaway because it is not nice and i was determined to have sex to explore.

we had sex, i topped but it felt nothing. it wasnt fun, it was not pleasurable it was just sex. i even said to myself: i wish i came quickly so that the sex part would end and we are done with it.

fast forward another 12 years, at my late 30s, nothing much has changed. i tried dating girls match made by family and friends. pretty and awesome girls. dating girls just seemed to be chore. it doesnt feel like it comes naturally. ive had girls expressing interest to me and wanted to take things further and willing to put in the effort.

for context, i have not disclosed my keen interest in undies, my experience with gay sex, etc to anyone. i still want to consider being normal, settle down, raise a family, but my conscience just would not allow me. i feel likei should not ruin a person's life due to my selfish reasons. at the same time i fundamentally do not believe in gay relationship simply because deep inside, i feel like im not sure if i could be with the same guy for the rest of my life.

i tried praying hard wanting to like girls. i tried having sex with prostitute in bangkok. eveything i do, i feel like i should do it more. my closest friend who knows about my sexual adventures is dead set claiming i am not gay. i am just looking for something that is lacking in myself i.e: affection from a man since my relationship with my father was poor because i have low self esteem and hence juicy butts and thick thighs appeal to me.

i wish i knew or have figured out myself now that i am in my late 30s.

i cant seem to be able to wrap my mind around being gay. i cant accept it. i cant say im gay to anyone. i dont dare to come out. i dont have the balls to face the world. i dont know what i should do