It is a warm day..with signs of rain to wet everything all over again..here i am on a sunday evening, sitting at home after having a feel good lunch in front of my lappy writing another entry.
i have the urge to do something..or rather make the best of what is left on a sunday..my legs obviously sore from my home leg workout tells me that i should not be going to swim today. i read somewhere that i should not overdo my exercise as instead of building more muscle, u end up consuming them.
at the same time, having urge to look sexy from wearing something from an array of various cuts of trunks in my drawer..seriously how many trunks and underwear do a gay men really need...? if i were to guess, i would say those i own, could last a lifetime...or TWO!
i keep telling myself that i am better off on my own, doing my things and keeping to myself in my home instead of getting married or having to share my life or making a commitment to the better half..but..it is just one of those moments when you feel like..
sometimes...just sometimes it would be better to be with someone by your side rather than watching downloaded series on steel cold tv all alone
it is not about sex but just plain companion and warm body for company
most of the time i am torn between wanting to have own space while being with someone..
i feel suffocated when the other guy asks to meet me a few times a week..
and it always...always happen oddly enough after the first S.E.X.
and it is not about spending quality time to know each other better..well...if u dont count getting to know every strand of my penis better...
that explains the last guy that i went out with..it started off with innocent flirtation at jackd..i thought finally, a guy who is sensible, hot, caring and someone whom i can share my views with...the first time he came over, i came up with the rule of no sex on first date...more than 3 hours later, all that remained was not having an intercourse...
after we both came, it cascaded into chatting for another hour or so before he had to leave
weeks that followed, constant messages on watsapp..it was nice to feel cared by someone else..at the same time it was alarming because he was into me more than i wanted to...starters, i am in my 30s and have never been in a relationship. i made it known that i am not looking for a relationship. rather into friend with benefits..he was all game about it..at least the first few days..
i want to feel the attraction, the excitement when i get someone's messages that drives me crazy..someone who's presence gives me a hot flush and anxiety (in a good way)..i wanted someone whos smell i wanted to smell and would go to the extend of keeping his sweaty shirt...a guy who is into me as much as i am into him..a guy who i can be in a room with, not say a single word and still feel euphoric just for the fact that he is around
just within 2 weeks ..we were already meeting a few times in a week ..and i am obligated to say yes for meeting..that i felt like i was on a train enroute to hit the wall and i was screaming and he pretends not to hear it..i was not in the state of mind to settle down but he was already at home in my home..
he was a genuinely nice guy..he would bring fruits over every time he came by, always gets the bill when we dine out, was getting me gifts without expecting anything in return..for me, i just wanted a friend to hang out with and we was in the game to be my husband
and then i started getting busy at work and couldnt meet him as often...i go to sauna to workout...and i just couldnt be what i want to be anymore...psychologically i feel obligated to please him due to all the gestures...but doesnt being friends mean not having to hide anything from one another??
i just had to..i couldnt tell him i went to the sauna coz he would throw a tantrum..i had to lie...and i was going deeper and deeper into the hole with the doors shutting behind me....i appreciate him for the dinners and gifts but as friends we should be equals..if he gets the bill tonight, the next one should be on me...if he gave me a present, i should reciprocate..isnt that the common rule..
so telling him off seemed to be the only option..i said i dont want you to buy me things coz i dont want to keep receiving things and it makes me feel like i am using you..friends should be equal!
come on, isnt it obvious what i want from him..the only thing i didnt say to his face was: i think u have fallen for me but i dont feel the same way about you..
at some level, i think he already knew..following friday when i went to sauna, i told him exactly where i went..and he put on the bitch mode.there were the silent treatment, sarcasm and bitchy remarks..
probably the exact things why i didnt want to get into any relationship..
wheres the dignity, why cant men handle rejection? seriously, you cant expect everyone to love u back just because you do ..thats just not fair..if i did reciprocate, that means im settling in and would it be good enough for you?
all said, if it was me, i would say i deserve better than a guy who settles down for me...
2 months later...
i can think about it and ponder....what went wrong??
>Telling him im not looking for a relationship the first time we met - CHECK
>Telling him to stop buying gifts and paying for all bills coz friends should be equal - CHECK
>Honest about my whereabout instead of leading him on - CHECK
so what else should i have done differently?
men in general are not complicated beings
but why the gay ones always are?
so fast forward and i am still sitting at home thinking about what i should be doing this evening being torn between
hookup through grindr
swimming in my hot trunks at kelana jaya
snuggle in the rain watching movie at home
cook tasty meal for dinner
get all the attention in the world at the sauna...