Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Thursday, July 12, 2012

My Stolen Heartbeat (Part 6)

Beep beep….another sleepless night. The cool breeze from the standing fan blowing right to my thin boxer sends a chill to my legs..turning over to grab my warm blanket I was curious to find out who could be sending me messages at 2.30 in the morning..

It was a cold rainy night, all I wanted to do was to reach into my bed and snuggle the night away, imagining the bolster is an adorable guy I cant wait to kiss..instead I laid there for hours not sleeping and that much far away from a wet dream!

I reached out to my phone and it was a guy 609m from my location. The question read: How are you? Seeking fun? t/b?

As exciting as it could have been 7 hours ago, I just ignored the messages in Grindr and focused on sleeping. The thing is, the more I focused the more active my mind became.
I asked myself, how did I arrive here? 8 years ago, his embrace was all that I needed to feel comforted and calm. Now, that im older, with plenty of choices of man meat and encounters which are far more intimate than an embrace it feels rather empty.

Since I was already up, I logged into my Facebook and weird enough, there was a message from him. He said: How are you?

The difference is, this time I am not so keen to respond…they say time heals everything and 8 years was pretty long to get over him.

Instantly I was taken back to the day that I left with my friend to the bus station while he looked at us taking off just the evening after the night he told me he would not be back the next semester..

The 3 hours journey back home was the longest journey I took in my life. I keep telling myself that life has to go on..but everytime our favourite song played on my mp3 player, I would lose it and tears flowed freely that night.

Luckily it was already dark and sniffles were the only thing audible that night. I wanted to text him immediately to say I missed him..but I didn’t..why?

Because I didn’t want to be clingy.
The days that followed were tough.. I was waiting for his call and he was waiting for mine but neither wanted to give in..then it finally happened.

I called him:
Me: Hey bro, how are you?
Him: Im okay here. How are you doing?
Me: I miss you like crazy >>that’s what I really wanted to say, instead I said: I allright. Quite bored at home.
Him: Yeah I play the computer games daily until my mom nags
Me: Haha….so hows the preparation to move to over there?
Him: We plan to survey the area later today..
Me: Okay (damn! Looks like he was serious afterall)…….long pause…hey bro, I got to go now, call u later…

>Then I hung up….

Thursday, June 28, 2012

My Stolen Heartbeat Series (Part 5)

im glad that many of you guys have enjoyed 'My Stolen Heartbeat Series'...

From all the good motivation and response to these series from you guys (SHAME on those who did not! ;p)

im going to include 'never read before' personal touches rewrite Parts 5, 6 and 7...which means i have taken them off the blog..

i hope you guys enjoy it even more...

To recap, these are Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4... followed by Part 5:

Part 5:>> Check and Mate! I could not move forward neither was I able to retract…it was a jolt of lightning across my brain..

Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Why did you do this to me? I wanted to scream at him..why did u become close to me? I was fine without you in my life..why do u want burst the hot air balloon when I am already elevated so high in the sky..

The basic human instinct..the ANGER..First step to admitting a frustration. I wanted to yell, I wanted to hit, I wanted to just leave the room…but CHECK MATE. I couldn’t..

I was not in a position to react…why??

Simply because what we had, it didn’t have a name..hes not my boyfriend, we were not in a relationship, basically we were nothing..the only thing we had in common was a mutual attraction…even that too could be a mere assumption, something our brain concocted..

I froze. I couldn’t take my hand off his chest because that would mean I am reacting..i had to pull myself together..and time is running out…I had to say something..

I hid my frustration behind a monotonous voice and pulled it together to ask him:

ME: You are not coming back?

HIM: Yes, if everything goes as planned I might not return next semester.

ME: Is there a reason why you had to…?

HIM: Just that my entire family is up north while I am far away parents have metioned about this even before I enrolled that time, we didn’t get any feedback from that university..thinking back, my parents are also aged and I really feel like they could use my company..

(MY MIND VOICE: Your parents are not kids anymore you ASSHOLE!)

ME: Are you really sure about this?

HIM: Kind of, my dad has already asked around and he’s pretty sure about me continuing my studies up north.

ME: How about her?

Obviously, I thought that to be an excuse for him to stay..

HIM: I don’t know how to tell her..haven’t mentioned it to her yet.

ME: I think you should..

For some moments, we just laid there staring at the ceiling, not saying anything..

I was pissed like I have not been pissed in my life before but there really wasn’t much that I could do..i told myself: enough of this bullshit of laying down together…hands on the chest and hugging and crap..just enough..if it meant anything he wouldn’t be leaving and he shouldn’t have made me………..fall for him

Then I said:

ME: Im really tired..i think im going to call it a day…and sat on the bed…hinting that im going to the other single bed that was in the room…

HIM: Yeah, me too…then he reached out to my palms and just held it, hinting that he wanted me on his bed as usual..Probably for the last time.

Difference is, this time I just couldn’t take it anymore..All these little gestures, they should mean something..If they don’t, they are just misleading an unsuspecting person..and it really hurts.

ME: Good night dude..

I stood up, walked away and turned the lights off..i knew he was staring at me for a long time but I just told myself I deserve better..

The morning after was awkward….unusually awkward..waking up next to the warmth of a person u care for and waking up feeling like you lost something dear can be overwhelming..we were both awake around 8 but neither spoke a word until its 11.30..we just laid there on separate beds..jokes, embraces, tickle, hair stroking, rubbing..they were all absent. All that remained was a cold dark room with lost causes..

I woke up, saw him looking at me, smiled at him and before he could respond, I went out to brush my teeth and take a shower…that was basically was probably the last morning that we would be spending together and we were in cold war…

After an unusually long shower, I returned to the room and noticed that he is now on my bed…


Only thing is …THAT didn’t happen!!

I knew he wanted to talk about yesterday but I just wasn’t in the mood to waste whatever remaining time we have together to argue..

Yes, argue..because somehow I was still, before he could say anything I just said:

ME: What do u want to have for lunch? Im starving…he understood what I was doing and replied

HIM: Anything u want to have. Im starving too..

ME: Lets grab some chicken rice at the café..

HIM: Lets do that..what time is your bus?

ME: sometime around 4.30, when is yours?

HIM: Mine is always later..around 8…

So we just had two and half hours left before I had to go to the bus all happened within 10 hours..from the moment he told me about leaving to actually saying goodbye..

We went for lunch and there wasn’t much to talk about…a strange occurrence given we have spent most nights talking till dawn..

At the café, there were stolen glances..him staring at me while im not looking and me doing the same when he’s not..

We both knew that that was it..but couldn’t say it out…

We came back to the room, I packed my things and texted my friend to send me to the bus station…he was still lying on the bed closely watching me…then I said..

See you around….looking straight into his eyes, I stressed these words:


I immediately left the room after saying that because I felt like I was about to burst at any moment. My friend was already waiting at the lobby and he followed me till the very last step…

For one last time I saw him and tried to memorize how he looked like. His face, his hair, lips, arms, bubble butt, smell…………….we shook hands…not even a decent hug..and I got into the car..

From the corner of my eye, i saw him looking at me until im out of his sight..

Without even realizing, warm and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks…


Monday, June 25, 2012

Introduction to gaydom Part 2

well my queer eyed friends...the last picture of my previous picture pretty much sums up what happened in the car the other was the best one i had in my life..although now i think it could possibly be due to the fact that it was the first one and there was such and intense feeling of sluttiness, adventure and fear of doing it in a parked car in a residential area where the houses are of 2 storeys (which means people can see what we were doing in the car) that made it stand out from the rest..
up until then i had no idea i had it in me..that i would take the pants off in the car and do something so unimaginable..but he was really was creepy but in an incredibly sexy way...

somewhere between the friendster and hi5 days, i actually made up my mind to do it for real..

you can read about it here: and here:

and feels like something is always missing....which i dont quite get what it was..

comments on hi5, gymming, grooming, looking still felt like something was missing..after thinking about it for sometime, i told myself..maybe i need to connect emotionally rather that just physically...

so i made another profile in fbuds (not sure if it still exists anymore....) i made it a point to make conversation here..and after a some time, i came to know about utopia..

it felt like know that there were so many cruising spots in the Klang Valley scatter ever so conveniently nearby me.... until Utopia i didnt even know there were spas and massage centres for homosexual men... even at that age and no exposure i has the presence of mind of not visiting the crusing spots.

the reason was pretty straight forward..when its free, it becomes easy..when its easy it becomes cheap..when its cheap everybody gets access to everything...when people dont have anything, they have nothing to me a bigot i would wear the title very proudly....

i just knew at the back of my mind that cruising spots are just not worth it because every desperate guy can go to it and take unnecessary doing it unprotected and in public toilets...

so from Utopia i came to know about gay clubs and the guy i met in the previous post what the person who popped by virgin club cherry...we was a member of marketplace and one fine saturday night we went to it...fascinatingly he also brought a friend..he was pretty quiet and it was my first time...i was scared for all the right reasons..i was never 'out' at a crowd of gay men...i cant dance and i didnt know anyone there...and the biatch who brought me there had so many friends there that i was left with this quiet guy..

shitty! was the word going through my mind that night..but it wasnt all bad..the quiet guy turned out to be a nice guy and we got into chatting...turns out this guy is a childhood friend of the other guy..and bla bla bla..

i noticed that even though gay men dress up in suggestive ways and flaunt their assets, deep down we are all shy and we keep waiting for someone else to make the first move to us..asking us to dance, to chat or even xxx...(well this was many many years my case)
so although i spent a long time chatting with this guy, it didnt go anywhere below the waist..quite a dissappointment especially when i paid 25 bucks just to enter the damn place...the price of orgasm...sighhhhh

again the clubbing scene gave me a scene of emptiness...i still dont quite get it...maybe because i didnt have many gay friends...

so after that, i tried to make conversation to the guys in chat for a bit....getting to know one another before meeting up and doing something more...

that when i came to know this guy...who was in a angel...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Introduction to gaydom Part 1

when you guys read this, you would probably go: been there done that...

today im going to tell u a story about my journey into G*YDOM...

when i first started experimenting 6 years ago, i had a profile in used a fake name, fake detail and fake profile picture..the only thing real about it was the profile picture belonged to a guy i had an enourmous crush..he was Arjun Rampal....gradually i went on to stalking mode where i oogle and drool over the scantily clad pictures of juicy juicy men in juicy juicy attire...

i think we all know whats a juicy juicy attire....

after a while, i got bored...not bored of the juicy juicy attire...(DUH!! like i ever will get bored of that!!)
i got bored of people asking me: hey bro, u seem to be a really funny guy, wish i could see your picture..or they went like: do u have a picture? id like to know whom im talking to...or.....they went like: i think i like you a lot...can i see your face..

>>yeah face!!!!

so i said goodbye to friendster and said HELLO HI5 in a slutty voice...

and when i say slutty...i mean in a tastefull, elegant, seductive way instead of: HEY GUYS I HAVE A PENIS AND I WANT THE ENTIRE WORLD TO SEE IT...but dont get any wrong ideas..i STILL didnt post any of my face silly..

i bought a pair of square cut renoma in red..back then renoma were the IN things..and there werent so many online shops on facebook selling really slutty ridiculously cheap prices...(look no further just click the links below:

and there are so many more out there...

coming back to my exciting story...i bought the red renoma, put it on and said: hmm i could have sex with myself looking like this (of course my first sex came many many years later) that moment with an urge i took some pictures wearing them, editing them, cropping the heads off and created my first gay profile on hi5...

since i was still very much freaked out about the whole thing, i painstakingly shaded everything else but my body using microsoft paint..yes, i was that scared..but it didnt stop me from taking more and uploading more pictures...somehow it made me felt good...i enjoyed the attention and comments on my pictures but never took it to the next step to meet was just a guilty pleasure...cut the long story short.....


i got to know a guy from hi5 which lead to chatting in msn and met in bangsar...i was scared because for the first time i exchanged my mobile phone number to another gay boy..a much younger one...and bangsar is always so full of in an attempt to seduce him, i wore a tight tshirt (yeah yeah im vain...i know) a fitting pants (to flaunt my assets) and went for a drink...well i guess our intentions were not really drinks...maybe its the nature of our acquaintance that lead to what happened that night...

my story is getting steamy now huh!!!
well not really...but something did get steamy that night....!

my first encounter with a gay boy..we had a drink, chat for abit..and it got pretty late..around 3 in the morning...and as usual, when there were not that many people around, we started to get a little naughty...we drove around in the car....and naturally what was supposed to happen in a car in a dark environment with not many people around happened..

should i, or shouldnt i elaborate further????

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Gay Sauna Anyone? Part 2

It could have easily been the longest 3pm on a typical weekend..the question of to go or not to go was like a snooze alarm going off every 5 minutes to the point of having stomach cramp..

So why this nervousness in the first place..the reasons are probably the ones that are already in so many young guy’s mind who are discreet, scared and confused. It can vary from the panic of bumping into a friend at the sauna or worse relative, police raid, being self conscious to get naked in front of people (by the way that almost never happens folks!!, I burst your fantasy bubble just like mine was crushed) or getting some unwanted diseases.

In my case, I went a little ahead of the above reasons..i was afraid of getting raped. Yes, I was worried about that.

Then the reality set it, I took a deep breath and got into my car for the 3pm appointment at my friend’s condo…

I have already researched about the saunas in kl in the website..kakiku, senses, mandi manda, chakran, otot otot, these words are no longer meaningless phrases now. I told my friend that I wanted to go for both sauna and massage and my friend suggested Senses, located at Brickfields…

Brickfields??? I asked him with a slight shock. He said, yes bro…anything wrong? No nothing bro.

At the back of my mind: Dude, of all the places, u had to choose brickfields where it is just a stone throw away from little India where id be exposed and people can see me?? But it didn’t matter..i have already made up my mind to go tonight and get devirginized..

So we went into the sauna located at the second floor of this building..i opened the door and there was this middle aged man sitting at the counter..maybe not counter..more like a small front desk..he was not at all hot..err I mean friendly…

You guys know the term being friendly, he was the exact opposite of it…and he was not there goes another fantasy that these places would be jam packed with ridiculously hot guys clad only in their underwear..

We were given a key to our locker and we went there to change…gosh!! I was so nervous..for the first time im stripping in front of public in the open…I did it really quickly and put on a towel…

Then the reality again set in through my nervousness..i look around and asked myself what am I doing here, what have I done??

I call it the standard typical response..the GUILT..the same thing we feel after ejaculating.........self sex or not..then, i went into the shower with my friend and ACTION!!!

Well not really…ive known this guy for years so all we did was to moan in the shower to irritate the others outside. Then I noticed that this damn place is full of middle aged men with pot belly, untrimmed body hair ( u know where!!) and they just go round and round in circles not making the first move..

Well maybe they are also very self conscious and afraid of being rejected…they just look and stand there..and they don’t get my juices the fantasy of all the magic happening in the sauna was not there..

I suggested to my friend that we go for the massage first..and he was a blind massage but the masseur is not that blind afterall…we both chose malay masseur and mine turned out to be quite least now im getting lucky..or I thought I was …

You know the moment where you are on the table and naked and just wish the masseur would take u off your feet and tingle every sensation in your body, I was physically and mentally prepared for that kinda he was cute..he touched me and something became STONE

And then I thought to myself…I would be so irrisistable to you now that u are going to lick every inch of my body and beg to suck it dry…then this thought was followed by a very evil laugh in my mind…

To recap: touch>>stone>>rub rub >>lick lick >>suck suck…the anticipation was getting too overwhelming, more so with the passing minutes from 5 minutes to 10 and 15..what the hell….??

Turns out my masseur was a straight married man! CRAP! How did I know this, instead of taking me off my feet, we started to asking me about him, him about me and we became friends.. STUPID ME!!! So that means my ‘complimentary’ urut batin (or what I expected in my mind) is not going to happen..

Friends don’t fuck each other..STUPID RULE!! The highlight of the massage was him complimenting my magnificent ass…makes me wonder if he is really blind in the first place…

After a truly invigorating total body massage (he was really good at massaging and totally sucked at the sex part) I was determined! I am going back to the steam room and im going to do some slutty things!!

I went back, my nerves we much calmer and seeing men in towel excited me…and something became stone again.!!!

Now that I am much calmer, I must have looked really inviting..there were many guys eyeing and rubbing me all this is what im talking about!!!

Although they are not really my taste..i let them be…hell ya I enjoyed it immensely..there was this middle aged man who jerked me off in the steam room but he wasn’t expecting anything in return..

Or maybe he was and I just walked away coz on the top of my mind, I was going: WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?? A STANDARD TYPICAL FEELING..THE GUILT!

p.s: i dont seem to be able to upload any!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Gay Sauna Anyone? Part 1

one fine day a few months ago, i woke up to a saturday morning and had a thought.....what if i went to a sauna today??..

suddenly there was a rush of blood in my body..and a strange nervousness..i have always been reserved about gay saunas. i always thought that saunas are places where people have orgies and bareback sex. i was so reserved that i even shunned down people who suggested, talked about it and at some point told me that they have been to a sauna before.

so it was a strange feeling to have on a saturday feel the urge to go for one when i have always been judgemental about it..

so i text my friend and said:
"Hey bro, what are you doing today?"
"Nothing specifically, Adam is here and will go out soon.."
"Adam, whos Adam, your flavour of the day??"
"Sheeshhh, no bro, Ive known Adam for many years. he was studying in the US and when hes on a break, he would come over and stay here for a few days before going to his hometown since he has lotsa privacy here"
"Oh, okay..would u mind if i came over to your condo for a swim?"
"Sure, just come me half hour before, just in case i was at big sister's place"
"thanks man....errr but i dont have a trunk, can i just wear shorts at the pool?"
"its okay, u can use mine, we are about the same size.."

suddenly, the idea of wearing his trunk in a pool and in public gave me an instant hardon..

"thanks bro, very nice of u wanna go massage after swim?"
"ok, why not? where do u want to go?"
"anything close to your place...would there be any hanky panky going around during the massage??"
"depends, if you want to"
"how about sauna? have u been to sauna?"
"what do u have in mind bro?"
"i feel like going to massage and sauna today"
"thats unusual and very adventurous of you..why the sudden change?"
"i dont know bro, getting older and everyone asking me about marriage..i just feel like life's too short and if i dont try, ill never know what it is about and if i actually like it"
"thats true, so what time do u think youll be here?"
"im thinking, around 3 pm..ill buzz you when im there"
"see u then bro.."


p.s: no pictures this time, because the freaking blogger doesnt allow any pictures to be poseted!!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Dont Take a Back Seat in Relationship and Tell Yourself: If Only That Didnt Happen, I Would Have Done So Many Things Differently.

a wise guy once told me: do as what your heart desires. as long as u think u are doing what u  think is right for yourself do it if it makes you happy.

the thing is, what is right for one man might not be right for another.. its a subjective statement but it makes a lot of sense.

from the simplest of things to more serious ones ranging from sexual preference, food, accommodation, trnasportation..and ultimately taking someone's life..

true we all know its wrong ethically and morally to take someone's life and that we are not supposed to try playing god...think again.

if theres a person who harms your loved one when they are just minding their own business would it be so wrong to inflict some pain back to them?

for an instance: you are walking down the street, minding your own business with your mom or daughter (ermmm why would someone with a daughter be reading this BLOG??!!) and out of nowhere this guy comes riding on the bike to snatch the chain, handbag or bracelet by slashing / strangling / hitting them..would it be so wrong to want to run him over with your car...

how about teachers who abuse children? im not talking about children who come from broken families where there have obvious phychological issues but children who have honestly forgotten to bring their book to school because they were up all night doing the homework in the middle of a morning rush and the teacher slaps him because she thought the child is lying..would it be so wrong to SLAP the teacher back to remind her that she too was once a child who probably went through the same just to be judged by her teacher..

how about a doctor who has misdiagnosed a patient or has prescribed the wrong medication that causes the patient to die..would it be so wrong to wish that the doctor's family member also dies to make him understand a loss? to make him take that extra minute and step to ensure that he doesnt make a mistake..obviously that person could be anybody's dad, mom, sis, brother, uncle, granpa, friend, partner.....for some that person could even be the ONLY person they depend on..

they are subjective, true enough but the fundamental emotion here is the one understands loss until they experience it and at that time it could be too late. end of they day anything we do, it is only meaningful when we do it with someone we love.

dont take a back seat in relationship and tell yourself: if only that didnt happen, i would have done so many things differently..

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Maybe i am wrong, i REALLY wish i am wrong... i just wish and pray that i dont end up like him...

First of all, yay for me for hitting 6 digits..feels so good..second of all my last post was in September 2011. Thats 5 months ago..

lot of things have happened in the last 5 months...ranging from taking a new job, moving from one state to another, getting scared and confused about the job.. some things were fun, others were terrifying, all o fthem being a good learning experience..

while early 20s was a good age to try new things professionally, going towards late 20s can be terrifying at times..

i ask myself these questions and dont really find a good answer to calm my nerves. WARNING: THEY MIGHT SCARE YOU AS WELL..have u guys had thoughts like:

1. what the hell am i doing?
2. can i do this job until i retire?
3. do i even like this job?
4. did i make a bad decision taking up this job in the first place?
5. am i earning enough money to buy my own place?
6. will i get lucky in life?
7. am i gay??>>>duh!!!,
8. will i find the right person for myself?
9. can i be faithful to that person?
10. if i do get married, would vagina be as good as butt? >>dont laugh ok!
11. would i be attracted to vaginas or have to pop up the lil blue pill every time before the session?
12. would i end up being a sad old man pumping iron at my 50s, living alone in my home, without a partner and ask questions like: WOULD U MIND A MATURED GUY??
13. would i live with my family forever?
14. what happens when everyone else moves on with their lives?
15. worse what happens when the central focal point of your live being your parents die?
16. how do u go on?

god, its terrifying isnt it?
im in my late 20s and these questions pop in my mind more frequently these days...while i dont regret any of the decisions i have made, i wish that i could figure it out..make sure i know the right decision to make when the time comes..

a 49 year old guys messaged me in pr and asked me: DO YOU MIND A MATURE GUY? and all i can think about is, how sad is this guy..alone and lonely at 49 looking for the mercy of people for attention..maybe i am wrong, i REALLY wish i am wrong..he could be a very successful guy with an excellent career, millionaire with a great family....i wish he is all those..if he is and just looking for a naughty session, im happy for him but if he is really a sad little old man.. i just wish and pray that i dont end up like him...

p.s: how many of you think that the guy with the sexy bulge is to die for and can Anderson Cooper get any hotter than this???
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