i got off the bus and started walking towards home. one of the houses in our neighbourhood has put out their washed clothes to dry. i saw it and got excited. at 13ish years, it was a guilty pleasure. every time i walked pass this house in particular, my heart would beat a little faster. i would be looking at all the men underwear put to dry. i would quickly glance at the colour, the different types of cut and tell myself there must be many boys in this house. every time this happened, i would make sure no one noticed me. back in the 90s, the age where the internet was not a necessity this was as far as my curiosity went. even at that age i had a 'thing' for men's undies.
to put things into perspective, I am a male in his late 30s, single, lives by himself and unsure of my sexuality. today i would like to put my story out in the open hoping anyone reading this out there would give me some clarity and guide me towards self acceptance.
being young, naive and not earning my own income, i was always a little bit obsessed with men's undies. if my parents are not at home, i would strip down to my undies and be in the house feeling pretty thrilled. then, i would fantasize and feel sexy about it.
when i was 17, i had two girls confessing to me. these girls were some of my best friends but i did not feel anything when they confessed. one of the girl even came and laid on my bed when we visited a friends house but i just felt nothing. i had already hit puberty and was raping my mattress frequently but when she laid next to me and was chatting i felt absolutely nothing.
fast forward to my university days, i noticed that many of my male friends were naturally trying to get the attention from the opposite sex. while i have to admit that sometimes when girls talked to me, i did feel pretty excited, it wasnt reason enough for me to actively pursue anyone.
while in university, i was on a scholarship and had extra money to spare. during these years i experimented with lots and lots of men's undies. going to the mall to look at them, buying them always exhilarated me. most of the time, i would get a hardon and get leaking down there.
my roommate during university happened to be from boys school. growing up in conservative family, there wasnt any physical affection shown towards me / my siblings. there wasnt any hugs or kisses from my parents of relatives. Contrary to his my roommate was hugging me from the back and we would cuddle in bed. it was very new to me. something i have never experienced all my life. at that point of my life, i didnt realize the feelings i had. i never really processed it.
my roommate had a steady girlfriend during the first semester. it didnt bother me that much. i knew he had a girlfriend and he was very affectionate to me. occasionally i would get jealous but it was not anything major.
slowly and gradually, my keen interest on men undies became more obvious. i stayed in dormitories and when i walk pass the laundry area, i would stop and look at all the undies laid out to dry. even so, after shower i didnt look at the boys in a lustful way. well that part of me was not awakened.
slowly i realized that when i cuddle with my roommate, i would get raging hardon and would be leaking precum. i think he did also but we never talked about it or addressed it.
fast forward to when i graduated at 23, i started to explore web based dating sites. back in the days there wasnt any smart phone and we only had these dating sites to explore.
i realized there was manjam (gay dating site), Hi5 (you could choose which gender you want to date), planetromeo (gay dating), friendster all of which where i have profiles with pictures of me in my undies but my head cropped off.
i freaking loved the attention from the same gender. the whole process of buying undies, putting them on, taking pictures, getting the attention thrilled me. then i got into msn messenger, yahoo messenger, icq to chat. yahoo messenger even has chatrooms that caters for your specific interests.
back in the days when we had to use dialup modem to connect to the internet and there was no such thing as unlimited internet, my curiosity got the better of me. one day, i was browsing the internet for the movie jeans using Yahoo, and suddenly there was a website description that said: would you also like to look at the front, referring to male crotch in jeans. i was 15 at this time and immediately clicked it. mind you, the desktop was at the middle of our living room. this continued for some time. i would browse Chrisgeary.com
at look at all the boys wrestling in baby oil, men in speedo in particular really turned me on.
me being me, i just never acted on it. i didnt know what being gay / homosexual was. as far as i was concerned, i naturally didnt have any interest to pursue girls and i didnt know pursuing boys was even an option. at the same time boys being boys when they playfully grab my crotch it was alot of fun.
so the multiple online profiles with my face cropped off, wearing only undies, chatting on messenger and icq with gay men, doing webcam without my face showing went on for a few years.
then something inside me asked me: am i gay? even at 26, i didnt try to date girls. i look at cute boys. bubble butts in slacks and lean men in tight shirts excite me. so i decided to try having sex with men. i spoke to one of the guys on manjam and went to his place for sex. it was a hour journey and when i reached his house, he turns out to be completely not my type. i didnt want to turnaway because it is not nice and i was determined to have sex to explore.
we had sex, i topped but it felt nothing. it wasnt fun, it was not pleasurable it was just sex. i even said to myself: i wish i came quickly so that the sex part would end and we are done with it.
fast forward another 12 years, at my late 30s, nothing much has changed. i tried dating girls match made by family and friends. pretty and awesome girls. dating girls just seemed to be chore. it doesnt feel like it comes naturally. ive had girls expressing interest to me and wanted to take things further and willing to put in the effort.
for context, i have not disclosed my keen interest in undies, my experience with gay sex, etc to anyone. i still want to consider being normal, settle down, raise a family, but my conscience just would not allow me. i feel likei should not ruin a person's life due to my selfish reasons. at the same time i fundamentally do not believe in gay relationship simply because deep inside, i feel like im not sure if i could be with the same guy for the rest of my life.
i tried praying hard wanting to like girls. i tried having sex with prostitute in bangkok. eveything i do, i feel like i should do it more. my closest friend who knows about my sexual adventures is dead set claiming i am not gay. i am just looking for something that is lacking in myself i.e: affection from a man since my relationship with my father was poor because i have low self esteem and hence juicy butts and thick thighs appeal to me.
i wish i knew or have figured out myself now that i am in my late 30s.
i cant seem to be able to wrap my mind around being gay. i cant accept it. i cant say im gay to anyone. i dont dare to come out. i dont have the balls to face the world. i dont know what i should do
