I sat there quietly, entertaining the chatter in my head. It feels like a walk in the park today.
Makes me
wonder. Am I the only person who has an inner chatter? Makes me feel a little
special…also, can’t help feeling a little crazy at times.
Where does being
self-sustained, talking to self stop and crazy begins??.
Disclaimer:
I am not making a mockery of mental illness. Just sharing my experience and how
I deal with it. So, you could kindly unbunch your panties and sniff it, it
would be great…ok, don’t sniff it…its not cute.
Each to its
own ya. To be honest, I have a love and hate relationship with my inner chat. Hate
at first, can’t say I love it now but I am proud of it..
I use it to
reason out and rationalize things. I talk to myself from a third person’s
perspective.
The bad
thing about it is….you have only your own perspective with chances of getting
the situation all wrong.
Why? Because
you are influenced by your emotions and baggages.
I went
through situations when my inner chatter used to be my inner saboteur.
My mind recalls
as many unpleasant things in the past.
Heck, the
first thing I do when I wake up would be just that.
Whether it
is something someone said, or the way they acted or reacted. It sucks me into
having a ‘pretend’ conversation with them, sometimes for extended period of
time.
I think
about ways I could have said things differently.
In all those
conversations, I would be Mr. Sassypants, saying things they could not argue
with. If only there was a Mr. Sassypants competition I would have won
something.
It took
some time before I realized…that’s some crazy shit I’m doing. Why….? Because:
1. That conversation is only a figment of
my imagination.
2. The conversation in my head may never
happen.
3. Pretending or pre-empting how I could
react to a similar situation in future has almost a non-existent probability.
I have read
time and time again that negativity attracts negativity. I think anger, frustration
and grudge are pretty negative.
The irony
is that the person you are having imaginary conversation with has no idea about it, or they
might not even know that they have offended you.
To put
things into perspective, people say lotsa things when they are upset. Heck, I
say lotsa shite when I am.
Recently a
friend of mind shared a youtube clip. In it, there was a sentence that caught
my attention: NO ONE CAN HURT YOUR FEELINGS. Your feelings are your own.. and
they said something else I can’t recall exactly. The gist of it is: your
feelings come from your your own perspective. Whatever anyone else says or
does, the choice is yours to take offense or not.
So why not
choose to not be offended. Dismiss unpleasant thoughts or don’t indulge in it.
It is not
easy. I have tried a million times and failed. I still fail now, but I fail
trying.
I remind
myself constantly it is not worth getting upset over things. Things I am not in
control of. I am not even fully in control of myself, no way I can or ever be
in control of other people or their thoughts.
So, what’s
next?
Next is
letting go.
Disclaimer:
I don’t know what letting go is. My interpretation is: If I have let go of
something, it means I am no longer triggered by or get upset by it. When or if I
recall it, I am able to acknowledge that ‘it’ happened, and say it is ok. That’s
letting go.
I failed
many many times. For every time I succeed it is orgasmic and addictive.
Over time, I notice that I become less affected by things / people. I focus on my inner
peace instead. People come and go and it is ok. I do cherish all the little
things and blessings while it lasts. The little smile, gentle kiss, embrace,
peace, all while it lasts. Then, with gratitude lets move on. Live and let live.
Remember
the time someone reported my insta video with hundreds of likes. Things like
this don’t bother me anymore. I used to be upset by it. Now, I have
a clarity that I’m not going to stop posting new videos. I enjoy doing it, love the attention I get from it. On the other hand, I hope the person who reported it finds
peace. For whatever reason my video was reported, it is ok…
