Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Thursday, June 28, 2012

My Stolen Heartbeat Series (Part 5)

im glad that many of you guys have enjoyed 'My Stolen Heartbeat Series'...

From all the good motivation and response to these series from you guys (SHAME on those who did not! ;p)

im going to include 'never read before' personal touches rewrite Parts 5, 6 and 7...which means i have taken them off the blog..

i hope you guys enjoy it even more...

To recap, these are Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4... followed by Part 5:

Part 5:>> Check and Mate! I could not move forward neither was I able to retract…it was a jolt of lightning across my brain..

Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Why did you do this to me? I wanted to scream at him..why did u become close to me? I was fine without you in my life..why do u want burst the hot air balloon when I am already elevated so high in the sky..

The basic human instinct..the ANGER..First step to admitting a frustration. I wanted to yell, I wanted to hit, I wanted to just leave the room…but CHECK MATE. I couldn’t..

I was not in a position to react…why??

Simply because what we had, it didn’t have a name..hes not my boyfriend, we were not in a relationship, basically we were nothing..the only thing we had in common was a mutual attraction…even that too could be a mere assumption, something our brain concocted..

I froze. I couldn’t take my hand off his chest because that would mean I am reacting..i had to pull myself together..and time is running out…I had to say something..

I hid my frustration behind a monotonous voice and pulled it together to ask him:

ME: You are not coming back?

HIM: Yes, if everything goes as planned I might not return next semester.

ME: Is there a reason why you had to…?

HIM: Just that my entire family is up north while I am far away parents have metioned about this even before I enrolled that time, we didn’t get any feedback from that university..thinking back, my parents are also aged and I really feel like they could use my company..

(MY MIND VOICE: Your parents are not kids anymore you ASSHOLE!)

ME: Are you really sure about this?

HIM: Kind of, my dad has already asked around and he’s pretty sure about me continuing my studies up north.

ME: How about her?

Obviously, I thought that to be an excuse for him to stay..

HIM: I don’t know how to tell her..haven’t mentioned it to her yet.

ME: I think you should..

For some moments, we just laid there staring at the ceiling, not saying anything..

I was pissed like I have not been pissed in my life before but there really wasn’t much that I could do..i told myself: enough of this bullshit of laying down together…hands on the chest and hugging and crap..just enough..if it meant anything he wouldn’t be leaving and he shouldn’t have made me………..fall for him

Then I said:

ME: Im really tired..i think im going to call it a day…and sat on the bed…hinting that im going to the other single bed that was in the room…

HIM: Yeah, me too…then he reached out to my palms and just held it, hinting that he wanted me on his bed as usual..Probably for the last time.

Difference is, this time I just couldn’t take it anymore..All these little gestures, they should mean something..If they don’t, they are just misleading an unsuspecting person..and it really hurts.

ME: Good night dude..

I stood up, walked away and turned the lights off..i knew he was staring at me for a long time but I just told myself I deserve better..

The morning after was awkward….unusually awkward..waking up next to the warmth of a person u care for and waking up feeling like you lost something dear can be overwhelming..we were both awake around 8 but neither spoke a word until its 11.30..we just laid there on separate beds..jokes, embraces, tickle, hair stroking, rubbing..they were all absent. All that remained was a cold dark room with lost causes..

I woke up, saw him looking at me, smiled at him and before he could respond, I went out to brush my teeth and take a shower…that was basically was probably the last morning that we would be spending together and we were in cold war…

After an unusually long shower, I returned to the room and noticed that he is now on my bed…


Only thing is …THAT didn’t happen!!

I knew he wanted to talk about yesterday but I just wasn’t in the mood to waste whatever remaining time we have together to argue..

Yes, argue..because somehow I was still, before he could say anything I just said:

ME: What do u want to have for lunch? Im starving…he understood what I was doing and replied

HIM: Anything u want to have. Im starving too..

ME: Lets grab some chicken rice at the café..

HIM: Lets do that..what time is your bus?

ME: sometime around 4.30, when is yours?

HIM: Mine is always later..around 8…

So we just had two and half hours left before I had to go to the bus all happened within 10 hours..from the moment he told me about leaving to actually saying goodbye..

We went for lunch and there wasn’t much to talk about…a strange occurrence given we have spent most nights talking till dawn..

At the café, there were stolen glances..him staring at me while im not looking and me doing the same when he’s not..

We both knew that that was it..but couldn’t say it out…

We came back to the room, I packed my things and texted my friend to send me to the bus station…he was still lying on the bed closely watching me…then I said..

See you around….looking straight into his eyes, I stressed these words:


I immediately left the room after saying that because I felt like I was about to burst at any moment. My friend was already waiting at the lobby and he followed me till the very last step…

For one last time I saw him and tried to memorize how he looked like. His face, his hair, lips, arms, bubble butt, smell…………….we shook hands…not even a decent hug..and I got into the car..

From the corner of my eye, i saw him looking at me until im out of his sight..

Without even realizing, warm and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks…


Monday, June 25, 2012

Introduction to gaydom Part 2

well my queer eyed friends...the last picture of my previous picture pretty much sums up what happened in the car the other was the best one i had in my life..although now i think it could possibly be due to the fact that it was the first one and there was such and intense feeling of sluttiness, adventure and fear of doing it in a parked car in a residential area where the houses are of 2 storeys (which means people can see what we were doing in the car) that made it stand out from the rest..
up until then i had no idea i had it in me..that i would take the pants off in the car and do something so unimaginable..but he was really was creepy but in an incredibly sexy way...

somewhere between the friendster and hi5 days, i actually made up my mind to do it for real..

you can read about it here: and here:

and feels like something is always missing....which i dont quite get what it was..

comments on hi5, gymming, grooming, looking still felt like something was missing..after thinking about it for sometime, i told myself..maybe i need to connect emotionally rather that just physically...

so i made another profile in fbuds (not sure if it still exists anymore....) i made it a point to make conversation here..and after a some time, i came to know about utopia..

it felt like know that there were so many cruising spots in the Klang Valley scatter ever so conveniently nearby me.... until Utopia i didnt even know there were spas and massage centres for homosexual men... even at that age and no exposure i has the presence of mind of not visiting the crusing spots.

the reason was pretty straight forward..when its free, it becomes easy..when its easy it becomes cheap..when its cheap everybody gets access to everything...when people dont have anything, they have nothing to me a bigot i would wear the title very proudly....

i just knew at the back of my mind that cruising spots are just not worth it because every desperate guy can go to it and take unnecessary doing it unprotected and in public toilets...

so from Utopia i came to know about gay clubs and the guy i met in the previous post what the person who popped by virgin club cherry...we was a member of marketplace and one fine saturday night we went to it...fascinatingly he also brought a friend..he was pretty quiet and it was my first time...i was scared for all the right reasons..i was never 'out' at a crowd of gay men...i cant dance and i didnt know anyone there...and the biatch who brought me there had so many friends there that i was left with this quiet guy..

shitty! was the word going through my mind that night..but it wasnt all bad..the quiet guy turned out to be a nice guy and we got into chatting...turns out this guy is a childhood friend of the other guy..and bla bla bla..

i noticed that even though gay men dress up in suggestive ways and flaunt their assets, deep down we are all shy and we keep waiting for someone else to make the first move to us..asking us to dance, to chat or even xxx...(well this was many many years my case)
so although i spent a long time chatting with this guy, it didnt go anywhere below the waist..quite a dissappointment especially when i paid 25 bucks just to enter the damn place...the price of orgasm...sighhhhh

again the clubbing scene gave me a scene of emptiness...i still dont quite get it...maybe because i didnt have many gay friends...

so after that, i tried to make conversation to the guys in chat for a bit....getting to know one another before meeting up and doing something more...

that when i came to know this guy...who was in a angel...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Introduction to gaydom Part 1

when you guys read this, you would probably go: been there done that...

today im going to tell u a story about my journey into G*YDOM...

when i first started experimenting 6 years ago, i had a profile in used a fake name, fake detail and fake profile picture..the only thing real about it was the profile picture belonged to a guy i had an enourmous crush..he was Arjun Rampal....gradually i went on to stalking mode where i oogle and drool over the scantily clad pictures of juicy juicy men in juicy juicy attire...

i think we all know whats a juicy juicy attire....

after a while, i got bored...not bored of the juicy juicy attire...(DUH!! like i ever will get bored of that!!)
i got bored of people asking me: hey bro, u seem to be a really funny guy, wish i could see your picture..or they went like: do u have a picture? id like to know whom im talking to...or.....they went like: i think i like you a lot...can i see your face..

>>yeah face!!!!

so i said goodbye to friendster and said HELLO HI5 in a slutty voice...

and when i say slutty...i mean in a tastefull, elegant, seductive way instead of: HEY GUYS I HAVE A PENIS AND I WANT THE ENTIRE WORLD TO SEE IT...but dont get any wrong ideas..i STILL didnt post any of my face silly..

i bought a pair of square cut renoma in red..back then renoma were the IN things..and there werent so many online shops on facebook selling really slutty ridiculously cheap prices...(look no further just click the links below:

and there are so many more out there...

coming back to my exciting story...i bought the red renoma, put it on and said: hmm i could have sex with myself looking like this (of course my first sex came many many years later) that moment with an urge i took some pictures wearing them, editing them, cropping the heads off and created my first gay profile on hi5...

since i was still very much freaked out about the whole thing, i painstakingly shaded everything else but my body using microsoft paint..yes, i was that scared..but it didnt stop me from taking more and uploading more pictures...somehow it made me felt good...i enjoyed the attention and comments on my pictures but never took it to the next step to meet was just a guilty pleasure...cut the long story short.....


i got to know a guy from hi5 which lead to chatting in msn and met in bangsar...i was scared because for the first time i exchanged my mobile phone number to another gay boy..a much younger one...and bangsar is always so full of in an attempt to seduce him, i wore a tight tshirt (yeah yeah im vain...i know) a fitting pants (to flaunt my assets) and went for a drink...well i guess our intentions were not really drinks...maybe its the nature of our acquaintance that lead to what happened that night...

my story is getting steamy now huh!!!
well not really...but something did get steamy that night....!

my first encounter with a gay boy..we had a drink, chat for abit..and it got pretty late..around 3 in the morning...and as usual, when there were not that many people around, we started to get a little naughty...we drove around in the car....and naturally what was supposed to happen in a car in a dark environment with not many people around happened..

should i, or shouldnt i elaborate further????
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