Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Thursday, April 23, 2015

When the Inspiration and Self Realization Tell You: This is what you want, DO WE HAVE THE BALLS TO FINALLY DO IT?

As fate would have it, today i met another guy who’s probably going what i am going through right now..

Me: Are you a student?
Him: No I am not.
Me: Are you working then?
Him: Oh, right now im in between job...

Curious, i asked him....: How old are you?

Him: Im 26
Me: You look really young..

He did look really young. He had a backpack. He didn’t look anything like 26. At the risk of sounding nosy...i did not interrogate him any further..

Although i did not interrogate him, my mind went 26, this boy is in between job..okay, it is a common thing for people to change job...lets face it, if one doesn’t change job every 2 is just impossible to live in this country..

everyday we are slammed with another bright idea where we need to return our hard earned salary back through various taxes...

Dont we all share the same sentiment?.

Latest trending in FB, electricity bill is to go up very soon due to current slum we are facing..

That in just a few weeks after GST has been make matters worse, no one can say much about anything nowadays..anything and everything is somewhat seditious...
Soon there will be MOTA, KOTA, LOTA, POTA and expect every types of OTA to be thrown our direction until become BOTA....

So, we chat a little and he said that he just came back from Phuket...(hmmm Phuket, the life changing miracle land)

Me: Did u join the Songkran festival?
Him: No, i went there a week after Songran
Me: I just came back from Phuket a few weeks ago..went alone and made some friends. A German backpacker, a local Thai who lives in UK and a UK guy staying in Hong Kong.
Him: Thats nice. Where did u stay?
Me: I was at Pathong area where there are plenty of exciting things to do.
Him: I was on the opposite side..away from Pathong. We didn’t have problems looking for a place to stay because we had friends staying there.
Me: You said that are taking up a new job soon. What would you be doing after this?
Him: I am going to take up culinary at Bangkok...

My curiousity heightened...

Me: What did u do before this?

Him: I was a hair dresser....

**Me (seriously)...?? coz he appear to be a brute rather than typical hairdresser we are accustomed to...
Then he explained...: I was a hairdresser for a few years because thats what i wanted to do back i just feel like taking up culinary because i know that i like to is a coincidence that me and another 2 of my friends are also transitioning into another career field....

I thought...interesting for him because he is young, probably without any commitment and he could make a life changing decision easier than others...

But that thought was very short-lived when he mentioned that 1 of his friend is a Parisian running multiple hotels at France and right now we wants to have a change of career...i was rather taken aback when he told me about the Parisian because our common thinking or mindset would tell us...

Step 1: Go to school
Step 2: Finish your studies, get a degree
Step 3: Find a job
Step 4: Do that job, like it, make progress..
Step 5: Retire and die..

The Parisian guy was actually in between steps 4 & 5 because he is 50 years old!.

Me: I understand that u and your friends are trying to figure out your passion but the 50 year old guy? He probably did his current job his entire adult life...i think he would probably have also made the best out of that job and be comfortable doing it as well.... why do u think he wants to change?

Him in a very simple response: This could be his last chance...he wants to run his own place, like a boutique hotel....

Then it hit me...self realization or passion for something doesn’t have to be something that we have always known..for some people, their passion in life could be something that they have always known since young...for others, it could be something that they realize when they are 26 or much older having done something which is not exactly their passion...

For the remaining minority, even at 50 it is never too late to figure it out...

Of course at any stage of our lives, society would be judgemental...even the individual would be confused and at times judgemental about the life changing decision...of the unknown and uncertainties

But, when that inspiration and self realization tell you: This is what you want or this could the the thing you have always wanted to do....why don’t you try it...u might like it...


I admire the 50 yo guy whom i have never met...somehow he has balls bigger than disco ball..
i hope i would grow mine to a soccer ball at least one day...

In the mean time.....

Me: Hey, i hope that you would figure out what your passion is....i admire your courage and wish you all the best...

Him: Wish you the same.....

Sunday, April 19, 2015

1 Week After, I Think I Have a Midlife Crisis...

a wise friend once asked me: im sure you know what you want in life, dont you?
too embarrassed to admit that i do not know, i just told him: yes, sure i do.

if he was to ask me to share with him what i wanted in life, i would have been dumbfounded to tell him that my plans are actually similar to a blank piece of paper....

most of the times i cannot believe myself that i do not have a plan.

to caption what my friend asked me a few years back: if you do not have a plan, what do you work towards to? like if you dont even know where to aim, what are you going to aim to??

at that time, it didnt quite hit me..i always thought that i had think, to figure it all out and put it to action..

truth remains, if we dont start now, we probably would never..

i guess it is probably for the best that Korr gave me that further cements my believe system that
everything happens at the right time, at the right moment with the right person for a specific reason which are not just coincidence..

there are many issues raised in that book that asks these questions..which also leads to finding happiness..

i wish Korr would read it too..

im sure Korr probably already has a plan..if he doesnt, i hope he would not be embarrassed like me to admit it...

Lets put it into a more understandable format..

For example: 5 years from now, what do u want to be?
If you are anything like me..then you would already be in your thirties...and if you are anything like me and dont have a plan, what are you going to end up being..scary huh....?? well not yet...

i dont know if i am the only one in this world without a plan for my life..
i mean i do not regret anything that has happened in my life so far.
i take 1 thing at a time..i ponder and i make the best decision based on the circumstance that i am

so far, it has worked pretty good for a certain extend i have settled down in certain aspects of life..

i think i am reasonably blessed but deep down i just know that i do not have a finish line. taking each day as it comes, i tend to not think beyond what i have to....

for example:

1. short term plans (1-2 yrs plan) - never thought about it
2. mid term plans (5 yrs plan) - never thought about it
3. long term plan (20 yrs plan) - never thought about it

now things get a little scary...

Short term, mid term and long term plans cover important criteria like career, family, owning and maintaining a property, retirement and health..

to admit that i have no actual plans for all the above is a terrifying fact.

we should not compare ourselves with others..true other friends in their 30s already know what job they want to do for the next 20 yrs, they know what age they want to retire, already has family and children and already had retirement plans..which are in motion..they range from properties investment, share market and unit trusts...

i think that i am seriously lagging...

1 week ago when i landed back home from my holiday i started to think about it..

a week later, now i am beginning to seriously consider setting up a plan because lets face it, no one is getting any younger

things would be fine as long as everything is perky and sticking up but i seriously hope that there will not be a time when i would ask myself, if only i did something differently coz lets face it..its too late then.....

i acknowledge that i am late to realize it...i just hope that it is not too late still

keeping fingers crossed...

Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Thousand Steps Journey – Part 5

Out of the 3, I spent the most time with Kor…

We seem to share many of the same interests.

Hanging out at the pool at Hemingway (his hotel), I started to read Kor’s book “The Happiness Project”.

That book seemed like it was written specifically for me…the author one day was sitting in a bus on a rainy day when she noticed another woman juggling an umbrella, text messaging and pushing the stroller with her baby in it at it made her re-examine her life.

She asked herself if she was happy? If she is doing what makes her happy in live…since she was not completely happy what did she do to change that?

It was like a bolt of lightning..of course I didn’t have a stroller and the day was not raining but the questions she asked to herself were very realistic. What have we done in our lives for our own happiness?

Are we fulfilling other people’s expectations? You need to finish your studies by the time you are 23,
you need to get married by the time you are 30, you must have found your ideal career by the time you are 30…aren’t these the templates the society prepares for us…

How many of us are actually doing things at their own will…yes, it is true that sometimes we do not know what we want in life. So, probably it is okay to adhere to the template..then again are we doing it because it makes us happy or we are doing it because it makes everyone else happy..being Asian, chances are it is the latter.

I got more and more engrossed in the book while Kor was on his tanning mission..when I turned to Kor and said: This book has been specifically written with me in mind..

Kor just smiled and said, you can have it if you want…so Kor is that kind of person always being there for his friends and was not calculative..i was touched and impressed with Kor.

Sometimes if you do not know what you want in your life, it is perfectly good to know what you do not want instead, I know now that things like career and money, although being necessity and mandatory for the fast lives we live in, for me it turns out that it’s the people that add meaning to life.

People like Kor, German Guy and Rishi made the journey in Phuket more interesting and fun.
I realized while walking back to Backstage Inn on Saturday that I somehow felt loss that my friends in Pukhet have already left and is leaving soon…

It was strange especially when the reality is that I barely know these people. We were complete strangers who became acquainted and had a good time. Yet their absence seems to affect me.
There are still many things I do not know about myself but I do know now that,

I enjoy meeting new people and travelling.
I am capable to life in an environment without my family means and always will mean the world to me.

I know that I do not want to work until I am 50 and get too old to pursue my passions and travel to new places.

Definitely I know that if I don’t have a perky butt and fit body, I SHOULD NEVER WEAR A THONG!

Most importantly,

I definitely know that everything happens for a perfect reason and nothing happens coincidently.
Lastly, I know that I am going to be a little sad for a little while but that is okay.

That’s part of growing up and learning.

In the end, the 1000 steps journey, thank you for everything….till we meet again..

Friday, April 17, 2015

The Thousand Steps Journey – Part 4

It was a man with a flat chest…

The German Guy and I excused ourselves and did our own things afterwards…
I came to the hotel to call it a day..

The german guy went to a local boys room to get free massage and more than that..
The massage was free for him since that boy was learning how to massage..lucky him!

The next day, as usual I woke up and had my breakfast..the well-equipped gym was very inviting.. I pumped some iron while one of the boy in the gym kept looking..

Of course I took my shirt a little later.

The thing about Phuket and travelling alone is that you get to do anything you want and anytime you want as long as it didn’t intrude others around you..

Post breakfast, Kor and I decided to go to the beach..

Kor wanted to get tan as humanly possible..being Asian I had little interest on it..we hired an umbrella with a mat and settled down gazing..

Grinding and getting a tan, we noticed that there were some aged Caucasian men on the beach near our umbrella..

We were constantly being stared at. It was initially fun being looked like that but maybe because we were not attracted to them it became slightly uncomfortable..

So we decided to go for a walk instead..we basically talked about anything in the sun.
He told me about his boyfriend and what prompted him to travel alone while I shared my part of the story..

Coming back to our umbrella, we noticed the elder guy’s head was again turned toward us, and even though he was wearing sunglasses, we could tell that he mentally undressed and licked our bodies…OVER and OVER and OVER AGAIN..

There were plenty of man candies around. Some were built to perfection and had handsome faces..some had both..BITCHES!

On the contrary, the elder Caucasian next to us was not fit, had sun burn and was only wearing a thong. That was shocking!

Grinding and tanning at the beach we were later joined by 2 more guys at the beach.

The first 1 was a local guy. Hot tattooed body with a handsome face. He couldn’t really make up his mind if he wanted to meet us..first he didn’t want to come, then he decided to come..eventually we met..he didn’t talk much.. we couldn’t tell if he was bored, didn’t understand English or was just too conscious of his surroundings..

Well, even though he was a local, he has never been to paradise complex or the gay beach..i assumed that he wanted to enjoy himself but was dominated by his inhibitions…

The second guy however was Rishi. Rishi and Kor met the night before while clubbing after the German guy and I took off…

If I understand correctly, Rishi and Kor were supposed to bang one another that night but Kor got too engrossed in the drag show…a fact we came to learn during dinner (all 4 of us) that night.
The hot local boy just didn’t fit in and left in the evening.

At the beach, Rishi and I could not help but to talk about the elderly guy with a thong.. I said that I  hope I would not turn out to be like him when I age and Rishi said the same thing…it was a sad stage to end like that in the golden years..all alone and desperate for attention..we didn’t quite figure out how he came to that state but we promised ourselves that we would not become one.

So Rishi became the fourth member in our small circle of friends.

Rishi was from UK but working and staying in Hong Kong. A lawyer by profession, he was a really good singer and good conversationalist. He was funny and fun to be around with.

Kor on the other hand was very warm and caring. Kor took the trouble to book Simon cabaret and my pickup from hotel to airport on Sunday. Kor had recently ended a relationship has never travelled alone before. He was the glue which stuck us together.

The German guy was a backpacker having travelled in south east Asia. I admire how he was able to leave his job and travel for an extended period of time. He told me that he met many people who happen to backpack and most of the times people come up with many excuses for not doing it. He keeps a journal where he wrote down his thoughts and ideals. When I asked him how he had the means to travel, he told me that he was working in Australia for a while and saved his earnings for the backpacking adventure. He wasn’t doing the hardcore backpacking but was more to hotel / hostel backpacking. Admirable.

He has a strong believe system and is vocal about his opinions. The German guy actually confronted an elderly guy at the OK bar for groping a local Thai boy. He refused to tell us the exact words he said to the elderly guy but that was just who he was.. we didn’t quite get his actions. Kor said it was probably a German thing, but the way I see it, 

Phuket is basically a place for sex tourism..people consciously become escorts to earn a living and this is widely reported at many websites on the internet..

i was upset at the elderly guy too for groping the young boy but truth be told, the young boy didn’t seem to object or squirm…he probably was aware of whats happening to him..

Yes, it is true, like in the fur business, when the buying stops the killing does as well..if everyone stops encouraging this behaviour then it would stop. Until then and not knowing the boy’s story, how are we to judge??

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Thousand Steps Journey – Part 3

Acquainted for less than 3 hours, we were perfect strangers with a lot of differences. We came from different countries, cultures and backgrounds. Somehow we instantly clicked.

Initially, I thought my 4 days 5 nights holiday would be a standstill but gradually it became certain that it is going to be different.

After dinner, we walked to paradise complex, with drinks on our hands we went from 1 club to another.

The first club we went there was a live sex show..(you like the sound of that don’t you!!! I bet you are going to continue reading now)…

When we entered, it was the last 2 minutes of it and we didn’t catch much of it. It wasn’t vulgar or anything since it was dark and we couldn’t see anyone’s danglers dangling…seemed to me that it was more an act and action.

A little later, we noticed that Kor in particular just lovessssss the drag shows..

He seems to be fascinated by them. He would give these ladyboys drooling know in the cartoons when the bear is hungry and looks at something and it turns into delicious food with trails of deliciousness coming from it….

Yes the ladyboys were Kor’s food . He couldn’t take his eyes of them…German guy and I became amused when he said “it looks like real boobs” or “SOO BIG!!” or “I wanna suck those mangoes….”..ok he didn’t really say sucking the mangoes..

There were times too where Kor would say in a thick British accent: Owhh man shes just sooo beauutiifullll… German guy and I would look at each other and just shake our heads.... secretly thinking......must be his dirty little fetish!!!

The drag show goes till the wee hours... around 1am, during elaborate dance n lip syncking made some seductive moves and suddenly popped her bra and threw it on the was i shocked to see whats beneath or wat.....he had these.......

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Thousand Steps Journey – Part 2

Slightly pissed and alot disappointed..i said to myself in dismay: you’ve got to be kidding me.
This is Paradise Complex how could there be no messages from Grindr and Jack’d..not even 1??!!
Aren’t I a reasonably attractive guy…don’t tell me it is just my imagination…seriously? L

Big broad smile and playing hard were quick to vanish….

Consoling myself, I said: its okay..its only the first 5 minutes.
I guess theres nothing much left to do than actually unpacking..BUMMER!

So, I put the phone back on the tv and began surveying the
room.. hmm not bad, then something caught my attention.

The curtain at the opposite room was slightly open..could this be the redeeming adventure ? a visually stimulating sight..

Using my xray vision I found that they were just sleeping… double BUMMER..

On the other hand, the room that I’ve got was clean, with plenty of towels, spick and span bathroom, there was an odour from the drain hole but with the bathroom door being closed, the odour was successfully contained.

This hotel came equipped with a pool, Jacuzzi and sauna..after 3 pm the entire area would be closed off and everyone could go skinny dipping.

The rooms are loaded with snacks on the coffee table and fridge. If u decide to have someone as
snack, the coffee table also comes equipped with necessary peripherals; packet of lube and condom..hmm…come to papa….!!

It didn’t take much long to unpack and get settled in..there were many tv channels to pick from..the only off thing about this hotel is that the furniture and d├ęcor is outdated for about 15 years…it is now time to lay down…shirt of and arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh…comfort..

Laying on the bed, I reached out again to my phone..
guess what?? I got my smile and cockiness back!

There were plenty of messages on both Grindr and Jack’d…sexyyy..
As usual the array of messages consisted of many of whom who have and still asking the same questions…

How are you..?
Where are you from…?
Top or bottom?...
You know the drill………..
There were also some new ones…
Fun? Not for free…

Im not judging………well maybe a little but, DUDE I don’t pay for sex.
Bored with the same questions…and the same responses…I did something differently.

Hi, what do u seek…?
I went: Hangout buddy…
 “Mat I see your face?”
“Show me your body, ill show you my face”

I wasn’t expecting any reply after that since it was obvious what we both wanted…I just wanted him to say it first………instead of not getting a reply, I got a reply:

“Would you like to meetup?”

Hmm that was strange, I thought…then again what do I have to lose..i was travelling alone and we would meet at a public place..if he turns out to be a rapist I could run for myself (or enjoy it instead?? definitely run for my life).

We continued exchanging a few more messages and finalized our meeting place..

Venue: Promenade
Time: 8pm
Clothing: Optional….! Whoops it’s illegal to be nude in Thai..

Already starving from workout and “workout” at the sauna, I had my dinner first at Promenade while waiting for him.

There were a bunch of cute girls from Singapore at nearby table..i saw one of them giving me the eye..i was sitting behind their table so everytime I looked up, I saw her head turned and looking at my direction…naughty little kitten she was…

Kor finally came after a while…we exchanged pleasantries and were initially very polite..It turned out that he too was travelling alone for the first time.

Kor said he was not that hungry and just wanted to take a light dinner. I told him that’s okay with me as I already had my dinner.

“Would you mind if a German guy I met joins us for dinner?” I said “Sure, no problem at all”.

So we made a move from Promenade to Bangla street where The German Guy stayed.

The atmosphere at Bangla Street was electrifying. There were street shows already at 9 ish which were free to attract people into the clubs..there were girls doing the pole dancing all trying to attract people to the clubs.

Some of the clubs employed Caucasians to hand out coupons which entitles free entrance..those chicks were pretty hot..

Ping pong shows were also offered to anyone and everyone walking on the street being that is where the straight people hung out.

Ping pong is nothing like table tennis…it is a live sex show on stage where you enjoy ..sort of like going for the movies with beer and popcorn but instead if they fart, you could actually smell the aroma….hey, same like XD show at Jungceylon…sadly enough no pong pong or ping ping shows were offered on the streets.

We had to wait for abit for the German guy to put his makeup….ok not make up…to settle his things before he came out to meet us..he was tall..way taller than me..

We said hi to one another and headed to nearby street hunting for dinner…

We found a restaurant with life band and our ears got serviced…serviced good…imagine a overhaul with variety of music which were not quite pleasant.

For some reasons, the 3 of us just clicked. Our dinner conversation went from where we were from, how long our stay was, careers, relationships, religion, future, believes, checking out guys and many other things.

There were no awkward moments or pauses.
We talked for an hour or so and headed to the ‘sin city’ where all the bodily pleasures for the night were slowly and steadily unfolding and waiting for our arrival……………

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The Thousand Steps Journey – Part 1

It was a late Saturday evening and our last few sentences went like this:

“We are not really saying goodbye are we?”
“Hmm I don’t feel like going clubbing again today”
“So we are saying goodbye then..”
Quick embrace..

The 1000 steps journey to Backstagee Inn from Hemingway was all that was needed to put things into perspective.

I came for this holiday with very little preparation. Hotels, activities and tourist spots we all planned at the very end ..

I had very little time to digest what this holiday was about to be..i knew very little about Phuket, about the culture and even about travelling alone for the first time..all I knew during the limited time I had to prepare for this trip was..i had to do travel by myself for the first time..
Unprepared and without expectations, I set out for the holiday.

Many a times the idea of travelling alone was presented to me directly and indirectly from friends and internet. I always thought what’s with all the fuss and dramatization of having to travel alone.. I mean a holiday is still a holiday alone or not.

Now, having had the first hand experience of, the journey is somewhat different from what I have read about.

Personally it feels like silencing the noise in an overly crowded room where each individual is trying to get their opinions across.

One guy says you should do it this way, it is the best for you and across the room, the other guy says screw that, he knows nothing about what hes should do it like this…only to find another person showing his ideas down your throat…

So what do you do? Who do you listen to when you don’t know yourself what you want?
You should pause and hit the mute button. Some peace and quiet to figure it all out..the choices are out there, you just need some peace and quiet to decide.
To think, to breathe and to decide. Sometimes we learn a lot more by observing without the excessive crowd and noise.

I do admit that this trip has not changed me to a Dalai Lama..but I also know that I am neither a Dalai Nothing..

I still haven’t got it all figured out..but hey Greek was not built in 1 day also a Greek god was not made in one day (Greek God, Lick Lick).

I am glad that I have already laid the first stone.
During this trip there was no pretence, no obligations and no expectations to satisfy anyone’s needs and desires but mine.

The journey before the 1000 steps started on the afternoon I landed in Phuket.
Bzztttt..bzzttt..just checked in at Aquarius…barely reached my room on the third floor and my phone already started to vibrate incessantly..

How exciting…i had a big broad smile on my face. I must be irresistible to the Thais and tourists….just imagine the moment I connected to the internet and the messages came pouring in…
Well well, booking a hotel in paradise complex was a right decision afterall..feeling excited and to an extent, sexcited I put my phone on the tv…

It was one of those moments… when you know what the vibration means tonnes of at Grindr and Jack’d the moment you check into the hotel..

I was euphoric…had a little hardon..but of course I would to not let it get to me.
I went like… yeah yeah I know im busy now..will check later when I’m free..kinda playing hard to get..

3 minutes, my will power lasted…screw unpacking and resting..i grabbed my phone in 1 quick motion… there were 326 messages on my phone…WOW!

But neither were from Grindr and Jack’d…they were from Whatsapp… Damn you Whatsapp groups…!!! L
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