Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Maybe all men a naturally inclined to being attracted to other men.. the right moment and push, i dont think its not possible for every man to be turned into homosexuals?

its lunch hour and instead of enjoying a wholesome meal while enjoying the eye candy and man candy im here sittt.........ermmm man candy!

eye candy makes sense. a reference made to easy on the eyes men...but man candy???

doesnt it sound like reference made to the man's 'candy'..although we cant deny that a man's candy in all its form and glory fascinates. although personally i think man candy in underwear  is waaayyy sexier than out in the open all bushy and hairy..eww..


anyway, im still at my desk and putting my thoughts into writing.
on the top of my head, ive missed my workouts entirely this week and makes me feel like a loser...subconciously i feel like my muscles are shrinking although they might not have!

yesterday night was quite a revelation. packing my things at my current place to join a new job at a new place, i was as usual in my comfortable worn out cotton long pants and a white tshirt that flaunts my body (ahakss!.)

while packing i needed to sweep my floor which was not swept for god knows how long and when i went out to get the broom, there there was this guy, also my colleague who was browsing internet outside my room.

well since i was packing, getting sweaty and there wasnt that many people in the office, i just didnt wear my square cut underwear as it was not onlyafter working hours for myself but also my 'boy boy'. just when i was about to get the broom, this colleague of mine greeted me and i went to say hi to him. not that i wanted to at that hour of the day and i was all scruffy and kinda  messy looking (vain, i know!)

immediately, as if my mouth was located at my crotch, his eyes got fixated at my crotch.
maybe he noticed my bouncy 'jewels' and thought of 'examining' it further but he was almost staring at it. glances, i get it, but staring..whoa!

why did i feel offenced??well, he is a married guy with 4 kids. so whats with the staring?

earlier the same day i was using his lappy to connect to the internet and i saw his collection of porn pictures which depicted some feet fetish, stillettos and huge penises.

for the benefit of the doubt pictures of huge penis, feet plus staring at my crotch, could this guy be gay??

come on guys..4 kids>>thats plenty of vagina time and yet staring at my crotch..i dont know something is fishy..

he always makes penis jokes and also has some leg fetish both man and woman..

on the contrary there is also another guy in my office who is a father of 2 and as recently as this monday, he too was staring at my crotch..
if there is an award for attractive crotches, i think i stand a good chance of winning it. OR..

maybe all men a naturally inclined to being attracted to other men.. the right moment and push, i dont think its not possible for every man to be turned into homosexuals?

weird??
probably not.

speaking for myself, up until i was 25, i did not have sex with men. up until 22 i did not get arected being touched by men. up until 21i was neither attracted to men or women.

and then: enter university, get very close to roommate, hugging, looking at men in shower room, BAM!!!! a gay guy is born...

i cant help but to wonder. if i had a good fatherly...scratch that! good manly role model when i grew up, chances are, i would have like vagina..now i just keep wondering.

for all the bisexual dads reading this, be a good MAN roel model to your son. give them a shot at being STRAIGHT. as for me, i dont hold any grudges to what has happened. obviously i dont own a time machine. just go with the flow.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I Dont Know If There Is Anyone Else In The Same Boat As Me, But If There Is, Send Me A Message And Lets Talk About What The Hell We Want In Our Lives

 hello everyone. first of all id like to say that i am still alive and kicking...lately my 'proffessional' life has demanded so much of me that i am no longer capable of indulging in my guilty pleasure.

i was lying down on my bed not too long ago and a thought flashed through my brain: what if i was not gay? how different would my live has been?

there were so many images that flashed through my mind and here i have listed the top 4 for your reading pleasure:

1. i would have probably responded to two of the lovely chinese girls who has confessed and hinted their love..lets use the word attraction for me. the first one, was a really funny girl and if that was not enough, she was also one of the cutest who always makes me smile, laugh my heart out and i could talk anything to her. if i was sad, or down, she always knew what would cheer me up.

we were in the same class during our secondary education. at first we were just friends until we became best of friends when were 16 or 17. sadly and unlucky for me this beautiful girl is already married with two kids. we still keep in touch and have a blast when we talk over the phone and i always ponder if i should just have responded to her when she told me she has a crush on me.....>>too late, i know..

the second girl was my colleague: the sweetest, cutest girl so charming and was wooed by so many guys. she knows what is good for thehealth and what is not, she doesnt gossip around, very positive, patient, professional in short perfect.

she hinted a few times to me. we get along very well. she laughs the loudest at my jokes and i think i also fell for her to a certain extend. 

u know heart flutter and butterfly in the belly feeling...i get those when she smiles at me..

and then she got registered two weeks ago. die die die!

2. my mom's question of: When are u getting married Arun, wouldnt be so irritating. i get panic attacks when she asks me this question. i dont know what to tell her. yes, mom u can look or mom, ill look myself or perhaps i think im gay but not sure....three possible answers and i dont have the balls to use even one.

i mean seriously?? how can a guy now know what he wants?? vagina / dick?? just pick one and stick to it right?? i wish it was that simple..really wish

3. i probably wouldnt have a trunk load of underwear in my room. straight guys dont keep trunk load of underwear right, or DO THEY??. maybe i would have been less obsessed with my looks, ass, legs and chest. i could have been a 'normal' guy and that would have sufficed instead of spending 3-4 days in a week to work out and have the best body.

the thing with my obsession with underwear...it is a sickness really. briefs, boxer briefs, square cuts, thongs, high rise, low rise, boxers, single colour, multi colour, transparent...name it and i have it..

4. maybe i would have been more positive when it came to relationships. now, attracted to a man, i think my relationships last untill i ejaculate. maybe i have not met the right man yet but i dont think i can be with just one man, so i dont think i should expect that from another man. the question of faithfullness is not a matter of sexual preference: i hear u guys complaining but how would it work when both are always so lustfull and on the look out for new meat??

i dont know if there is anyone else in the same boat as me,

but if there is, send me a message and lets talk about what the hell we want in our lives...

sounds like a plan? 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Its a sad pathetic club. At least now u know u are not alone.

 

in the quest of looking good in short shorts, tank tops, muscle tees, g-strings (my personal non favourite), speedos, cycling shorts, topless and stuff we constantly push our limits at the gym and pool
 
notice that i didnt mention field? thats because most of us like to look at soccer players in short shorts rather than playing the sport...disagree??? :P) 

to look all nice, muscular, juicy and get the blood pumping at the expandable muscles..

on a positive note, we end up feeling more confident about the way we look and manage to land a few (or more) glances from others. >>depending on our types..if its glances from a non type, its a totally different story..but thats a whole different post.

but consider this, the more attractive a man looks, my preference being manly and muscly, the easier for other men to get attracted to simply feel lusty and........HORNY

i dont know about others but i seem to have been restricted to two extremes. 

>>1. ONS that leads to a really fantastic time 
 or
>>2. best conversation with someone and it turns out to be sexless...

what the hell right? maybe its true.

people who end up being friends dont fu*k each other and we cant really be friends with those we are sexually attracted to..

or maybe...

errrr....before u guys go to be all judgemental one me, i have a small confession to make.

i have never been in a relationship before. i know, i know its kinda pathetic...

i often find myself telling the following 'excuses' for that:

1. i havent found the right person yet

2. the ones i am friends with, i dont get sexually aroused to them, the ones which get my juices flowing, we dont end up being friends afterwards

3. i undecided if  i want to be with a man because: man>>no vagina>>no kids. plus it would totally freak my mother out. even though at my age and never having a girlfriend should ring some alarm for her..guess what it DIDNT

4. maybe im not relationship material

5. worse, maybe im a loner who feels most comfortable when im by myself

6. afraid of commitments?? err but ive never been in one...so how do i tell?

i can go on and on but the fact remains. no relationship and so the dilemma speaks for itself. 

i think its weird that some guys fall head over heels for guys they barely know...remember the drama queen scenario??

well who am i to judge? falling head over heels could pobably work for some while for me i just think its too good to be true. falling head over penis or ass makes more sense i think.

on a rather sad and pathetic note, at times the longingness does play the devils advocate. it keeps whispering in my ears, wouldnt it be so much nicer to have someone to come back home to, have dinner together, sit / lay on the couch watching a movie or reading a magazine and pretending to fall asleep just to lure him to bed for some serious molestation??

i think many share the same sentiment (more like a fantasy) as me. 

for those who has the balls to admit that they are gay and brave enough to take the chances with a man, i salute u..

for those whose balls are being squeezed by the family and make it impossible for u to like or even consider the possibilities the same sex, i say, welcome to my club...
u know sometimes i just wish a wizard would come and make me like vaginas and a female body that would prevent me from complemplating and asking myself: TO BE OR NOT TO BE? 

well its a sad pathetic club. at least now u know u are not alone.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Adam and Me (Part 2)

for some reasons...reasons which i feel is so stupid, i told Adam: 

Ok, see u later...




it was about to rain and he said he lives just around the corner and then i uttered those words Ok, see u later...

seriously!!!

SEE YOU LATER??

i mean who says things like that..
it was like one of those moments when u do something wrong and the entire universe spins at lightning speed into a sink hole..

ok fine, i exaggerated..

when i said see u later, it already started to rain. it was only decent to excuse myself. if i were to say: can i get a lift on your bike, that would have made me look stupid since he rode a mountain bike and there wasnt any passsenger seat. 

i couldnt offer him a lift neither...

so i excused myself..

i went home. it was around 8.30pm. i watched some movies and reminisced the sexless weekend i had.

the kind of weekend that sucks!

ermm! not that i have sex every other weekend.  

or, DO I?

 well lets not get into that...

although that short and brief chat at the park was interesting, there wasnt much that could be derived from it.

i still didnt know where he lived, if he was gay, interested in me or even going to meet him again.

i decided to not give it much thought. 

about a month and a half later, while i was driving back home from work and passed by the park, i noticed a familiar silhoutte. a guy with broad chest, white tee...

although i was exhausted, rush of adrenaline, told me i should park my car and go back to the park.

so i did...

i parked and sat at the same bench....i could see Adam from afar..

i smiled and said to myself..if he likes me, he would come and talk to me.

this time Adam was roller blading. Good looking and athletic...must be some stamina in you know where..good for me, YAY!

i smirked and crossed my legs for some obvious reasons.
again i put up the same routine..

the phone tapping one..

i could almost feel him approaching..
just 5 meters away i looked up and i saw Adam in front of me.

Instead of jumping up and down, i wanted to cave in..

HE WAS HOLDING A GIRLS HAND!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Feminine Gay Men?

i  read Simon Lovers post on Feminine Gay Men and at some level it bugged me. speaking for myself my response is as follows:


dude, i dont hate feminine gay men. yes, they are not my type and everyone just like myself has a choice to make.

i dont insult, participate in insults to these group of people for the simple fact that everyone is trying to just be themselves.

however, what i dont get is the amount of drama a feminine gay men brings into the picture. i know its generalization and many wouldnt agree.

but all the feminine gay men i have come across with are:

POSSESSIVE, JEALOUS, HYPERSENSITIVE, CLINGY, CALL & TEXT A MILLION TIMES A DAY, ADDRESS ME WITH WORDS LIKE: HONEY, BABE, DEAR, FLAMBOYANT GESTURES / LOUD ATTENTION SEEKING VOICE TONE, MANJA, VULGAR, CURSES WORSE THAN A WOMAN and GOSSIPS LIKE A FUCKING WHORE.

so, all i want to say, im not against feminine gay men, i dont judge them, i have no issues for cross dressers, transgenders even sex workers but until i find a feminine gay men who is strong mentally with admirable character, driven and passionate about his life, i could really use a drama free life...short, brief and simple.

peace.

 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Adam and Me. (Part 1)


 it was a quiet evening. unlike the weekdays where there is a routine to follow through, it was the weekend. a quiet, breezy saturday evening.

i found myself to be seated on a bench, my hair gently blown by the breeze and tapping on my phone. i couldnt make up my mind into deciding between the thumpa thumpa action at market place or some easy breezy moment in the park looking at some eye candy.

logged into planetromeo and manjam, i saw the templates or what i call as standard template messages: hey dude, nice body wanna have fun? do u have a face picture? how big is your dick? are u indian?...

even though these are templates, nonetheless, it feels nice to get the attention and obviously a little hard on (hehem!)

as if, he knew my hesitation and confusion, from a distance he nodded. something like a long lost contact friend, acknowledging my presence at the bench.

as much as i hate to admit it, i have the worst gaydar. give me a naked guy in front of me and id still be second guessing his sexuality. 

so i was a little confused. i didnt know if he was interested in me, or had a way better gayday or if he was really my friend whom i have not met in a long time.

after a few moments of hesitation, he came near my bench. walking with hboth his hands in his jeans pocket. unexpectedly he reached out his hand saying: Hi.

he was casually dressed. a collared white tee that accentuated his toned chest, his biceps with dark blue jeans.

i was confused. but his brown eyes pierced right into my heart. it was warm and kind. he had rosy pinkish lips against fair skinned face and i shook his hand back saying hi.

he introduced himself: 'Im Adam. were u not studying in MMU before?'
and i went like: 'Owh, no i wasnt from there'

it was one of those moments where two people are eager to know each other but dont know how to start and dont want to make a bad impression.
Adam: owh sorry. u just look a lot like my friend.
Me: Thats ok. i get that a lot. must have a really common face.
Adam: Haha. so what brings you here? u seem bored.
Me: Just collecting some thoughts. pondering.
Adam: Do you read a lot? u looked serious tapping at your phone just now.

**well actually i was oogling at boy candy. didnt know my horny face, looked like serious well read person!

Me: i was checking my emails. have a seat.
Adam: Sure.
Me: Are u waiting for someone?
Adam: I come here when i need to take my mind off things. somehow this place helps me relax. ive seen u here a few times...
Me: You have?
Adam: Yes, most of the time u just look serious into your phone writing something

**lucky he didnt say look perverted into your phone.
Me: I guess im addicted to my phone (more like addicted to planetromeo and manjam!)
Adam:  Thats the worst kind
Me: It is. Looks like its going to rain. Do you live nearby?
Adam: Yes, im just around the corner. i cycled here.... 

** I didnt know what Adam was thinking but i couldnt help but to tell myself that he is so adorable. soft curly hair and big beautiful smile and then i noticed his tattoo...

>To be continued..

Friday, June 10, 2011

Happy Place / Screwed?

staring blankly at the ceiling of my bedroom and feeling so bored, i look at the message from my friend.

it says: hey dude, how are you?. been a long time since we spoke.

even though i was mind numbingly bored at that time, i still hesitated to reply to that text.

to begin with, each sms i send to him would cost me 50cents about 4 times the cost of an sms i send to my malaysian friends.

that night, the cost was the least of my concern.

it was the drama. the drama between me and him and the drama between me and....well obviously the rest of the world...

ironically, this guy is a person i began chatting with in a gay chatroom.

yes, gay chatroom. by the way, he is actually straight guy.

straighter than the arrow so to speak or so he claims to be.

so what was he doing in that chatroom??

lets just say: im still looking for an answer for that one.

when we first began to chat, he was just in his teenage years. he had lotsa things going on at that time.

Ah Longs knocking on his doors, parents fighting with one another, schooling, his friends back stabbing and already being engaged to his girlfriend at the age of 19>>just to name a few.

i dont know what made me believe in his stories. they were always over dramatic. keyword being OVER.

yet 4 years down the road we still keep in touch.

maybe i  wanted to offer him moral support since his life was so fucked up.

well, coming back to the sms...
from the beginning our friendship wasnt the one i cherish the most. it was always a case of me saying something, then he says something, then i get pissed, i ignore him, he appologizes we make up and repeat..

at first it was fine then became monotonous and redundant...

add that with my own problems and issues and it became overwhelming even to reply his sms

why??

because i am fast becoming saturated with all the happenings around me.
im in need of a happy place and quick. a retreat so to speak. to let loose, release and revive.

unfortunately i dont have it....


 AM I SCREWED FOR GOOD THIS TIME??

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Its a Grey Area

it is not that common, not that easy and definitely a grey area when it comes to making a decision to let go of a subordinate. i was informed by my subordinate that....

well, he is under my supervision but has had decades of working experience compared to me and we are more than just working colleagues. id use the word friends (WITHOUT ANY BENEFITS or sexual encounters!).

he told me that he has been offered a job elsewhere for a managerial position and that the position is 80% assured to be his. my immediate reaction was:

1. what are they offering you?
2. how about the salary
3. prospects for career advancement?
4. fixed bonusses / increment?
5. wheres the location?

while generally what is really expected out of me from a management point of view really is:


are u really sure about this new job? u have worked here so long and u are familiar of the system. u have built a strong reputation over these years. we will not hold u back if u decide to move but i think u need to consider that u have to start all over again at the new job. the company to what i have heard is still not stable compared to ours which have been around for more than 30 years. do u think its wise to take that chance for just an additional 100ringgit? i hope u can make the right decision for yourself since all your children are still schooling and u need the financial stability. its up to u. if u decide to leave, we wish u all the best.

as his boss, i am 'REQUIRED' to have structured my statement in a way that is encouraging at the same time convince him not to leave. on the top of my mind i can think of issues like training a new staff, remuneration packages, work ethics and theres always the issue that his replacement could be a complete jackass.

i think somewhere down the conversation i even tried to convince him to take this new job.

STUPID STUPID STUPID!

this is where the grey part comes in. since i already know his concerns regarding annual bonus and increment where his salary has already reached the maximum cutoff point, i just couldn't pull myself together to play the management politics at him.

if he is getting better offers, as a friend and more importantly a human being am i not supposed to let him go wishing that he can achieve his full potential?




call me stupid, but id rather live with my stupidity rather than the guilty conscience when he is scraping his wallet for small change at the end of the month to support his wife and 4 children.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

SERIOUSLY GUYS can a person get more perverted than this?!!

it is either i have become too lazy or ean has brought tonnes of bad luck to this blog!

it has been 3 weeks since my last update..not GOOD..

but im back with a bang!

well, maybe not a HUGE bang, perhaps a small one..

or a moderate and digestable bang filled with sordid details of XXX..(i know u like it..everybody likes sordid details of XXX)

call me a pervert, but lately i just keep having the flashes of images of a certain 'look' in my brain.

the visions of soccer players..

well to set matters straight im not really a fan of this sport.

what i mean by that is i dont really care about the game, the strategy, the leagues, cups or whatever...however from time to time, i do pretend to watch it with my straight friends..(or those who also pretend to be intrigued by the game)

why i do this? thats a million dollar question...just to be part of the macho, testosterone filled alpha males i guess.

while the others are participate in face turning to red from the rage of supporting their teams, i actively admire the perfect male form in shorts...

now coming back to the flashing images in my brain..my most favourite part of a match is when the players come out to the field adjusting their shorts and of course their errr crown jewels..whoopss!

call me a pervert but i not going to deny it..my next favourite moment comes when a player gets substituted..

if we notice, there comes the act of adjusting shorts and balls again..the most captivating moment is when a player jumps in to tackle the ball!

NOW NOW!! this is when the butt slides on the grass and the shorts go all over the place and most often exposing sexy legs and jockstaps..

ooohh mama!! the viewing pleasure further is heightened when the field wet and the player is wearing white shorts..

just orgasmic!!

but these dont make the images that keep flashing in my brain.

imagine the soccer player stretching in the field, legs wide open...and wide by my definition is so wide that the shorts are stretched and exposed to the point that a big cat can play hide and seek in it....

ok..now imagine that the cat is a metaphorical cat..
metaphorically the cat is my hand..well metaphorically exchanging the word hand to cat somehow makes me seem a little less perverted..

YOU'LL SEE WHY!!

'THE CAT' which has been really hungry is mesmerized by the 'aroma' or the soccer players legs (which im going to call: 'THE FISH')....the cat gets hungrier and tells itself: HMM! I THINK I NEED TO GO HUNTING!

slowly the cat goes near the  fish...
first smelling the droplets of water (sweat) on the muscular fish..the salty aroma of the fish further triggers the cats mind.. the cat gets hungrier>>not that the cat could help it.

then the cat says to itself: HMM MAYBE I SHOULD PLAY WITH THE FISH..afterall its the fish who was all delicious and flexing its delicious muscles that sent the cat into a hormone raging being.

so the cat grabs the fish by its calf. and licks it..and says: HMM WET, SALTY and REALLY hard >>>calf!

curious, the cat goes slightly higher and it notices more muscles and more water droplets..

i mean what can a helpless can do with so much temptation, right? in the cats mind, it tells itself: OF ALL THE FISH IN THE SEA, SOCCER PLAYER FISH HAS THE NICEST MUSCLES! ..

of course by this time the cat is already overwhelmed with sensation..and not to forget the raging hormones

it goes further up and notices some coconut. 2 to be exact. thinking hard, it says to itself: HMM MAYBE IM SUPPOSED TO PUT MY STRAW AT THE CENTRE...IN THE VALLEY CONNECTING BOTH THE COCONUTS..

but a cat is not that intelligent...thus it decides to continue the exciting and wonderful journey it has experienced this far...still walking in the valley between the coconuts...it hits 2 small bumps..but these bumps are not as big as coconuts..in fact they are just as big as grapes..

in a very big confusion, the cat asks it self: SERIOUSLY GUYS can a person get more perverted than this?!!
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