Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Im attracted to men and im not ashamed of it..

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The One About Compliments

as embarassing, and vain it sounds, it is impossible to deny that we like compliments. 

'hey dude you look cute, can i know u better?', 'hi, your body makes me go crazy', 'do you workout in the gym, which gym do you go to? can i join?', 'nice underwear collection, can i see you in them?', 'can you teach me how to work out? i want to look like you', 'u have a very nice bulge, cant wait to taste your brown candy'>>>NOSE BLEED!!

worse than liking expecting compliments is to admit that we only enjoy it when it comes from people who we like.

it is not that difficult to relate to. we get extremely excited when the compliments come from people who are up to our expectations. 

in my case, if the compliments comes from chunky legged, juicy butt, smooth, cute guys, i go to a temporary orgasmic state. these characteristics drive my hormones crazy and by hormones i am referring none other than testosterone

before you guys go on judging and cursing me let me explain that it doesnt mean that i dont appreciate compliments from others. nor do i choose to ignore them. the only minor difference that it makes is the fact that i dont go to the orgasmic state compared to when it comes  from chunky legged, juicy butt, smooth, cute guys....

its in short a form of recognition. the same way it feels when compliments come from real people / friends as opposed to online social websites. falls short of the 'feel'.

men do think about sex every 6 seconds. so what's wrong to think about it every 5 right?

as far as the orgasmic state is concerned....compliments can be a freaking turn off (again, in my case) if it comes from someone who puts celebrity / famous athlete's pictures as their profile picture...(no picture is the worst of its kind)

beyond my comprehension!!

i think there is a very obvious difference between being discreet and LAME!

the worst thing however does not end there..these 'discreet' brad pitt / johnny depp lookalikes go further go by asking to go out / coffee / sex....

kinda stupid isnt it?
i wonder if anyone responds to these profiles. i mean what could possibly it lead to? 

companionship>>with shadows??
love>>with shadows??
sex>>with freaking shadows?? ONESOME is still better i suppose.

obviously i am yet to comprehend it.... but if there is (obviously there is) someone who actually does that, i would appreciate shedding a light or to to make me undesrstand it..


Monday, December 27, 2010

Perfectionist Freak!

it is yet again that time of the year where people start making resolutions. 

for those who has made one / many last year, it would probably be the best time to have a second look at it, maybe let out a big sigh and start making new resolutions for 2011. 

resolutions are somewhat similar to masturbation >>for men! (sorry ladies, dont know how it is for the ladies). 

for men, it is a highly anticipated, adrenaline pumping action, actively pursued, with high motivation, and extremely very exciting in the beginning to somewhere towards the end of the 'session'....

and then to that final stoke of 'lightning' and ending up with multiple earth shattering shivers of explosive shooting mayonnaise with tingly, lusty sensation that .................

wait a second...on second thought, resolutions are not similar to masturbation after all.

at least with masturbating we are assured that final sense of 'fake' satisfaction...resolutions just make people depressed!

it is made with such high anticipation and is quickly forgotten by the end of the week. at the wake of a new year we realized all the things we wanted to achieve and did not achieve throughout the year and BAM!!!>clinical depression...ok, ok,,not as serious as clinical depression.

years ago, i remember making a resolution to reading at least one book a year. shortly after taht i realised how much i hate reading. it happened when a few days after picking the da vinci's code, i got restless after several failed attempts of reading it on bed (NO! i wasnt doing any other activity on bed)...i just felt asleep..first day, 10 pages>>zzzz.............second day 13 pages>>zzzzzz......fifth day threw the book away and watched the movie (p.s: what the fuss is all about about this particular book, i will never know!)

then i made a resolution of doing one good deed a day, no matter how small it is, to make the world a better place (i know, LAMO!). i even resorted to writing it down in a little book just to make sure i stick to the plan.

one fine day, i realized that i have lost that little book and gone with the book is also the interest to keep doing the good deed. it is just not worth it. felt like swimming upstream!.

getting a pet, being calmer, charitable, happy, doing a satisfying job with better pay, better bonus, better prospecsts...through the years all of these formed parts of my a certain extend, they did became a reality but never did it go to the level of expectations or standards that i set for them.

obviously the is a negative side to it ..

i dont know about you guys but i have the tendency to push my limits too far. take going to the gym for instance. even if i have completed the reps i wanted, i still push myself for that muscle soreness....

where it gets to point where lifting a limb becomes a challenge. the days to follow, suffering from butt aches is what gives me that satisfaction of working out...

its definitely not a good thing because as quickly the results show, they disappear just as quick..whoever said pushing the limits is a good thing must be an idiot...

ring a bell with resolutions?? pushing the limits to something that we have absolutely no control over can only result in: GREAT DISAPPOINTMENTS when what we aspire could not be reached. 

so why make resolutions??

i not made any resolutions for 2010 and dont intend not to make any for the time to come..

just living the moment and hoping a really hot guy would find me irresistable and impossible to live without..

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Ugly Truth

i am entirely happy with the way i am. 

whoever claims to that would be a complete liar. living without regrets on the other hand is entirely a different story. 

which would be a bigger sin? being in denial or unaware of living in denial?

what are u talking about dude?

>>i can almost hear it. 

long time ago, when i was a lot thinner, a lot less muscular, had mustache (yes, i did) and were not living in kl, i used to tell myself: 

there isnt anything about me that i would change. 

it was all part of living a positive live. who was i kidding. apparently it was a denial. why?

because everytime i look at my surroundings there was something that i want to adapt to. to make it my belonging (im not talking about my best friend's boyfriend ok!). for an instance, i envied the university football players because i think it would have felt awesome to be a part of a winning team for the university. and being sweaty in footballer's body would have felt awesome!!

at that time my entire world revolved around the campus and my closely knit friends. it was ok to not be muscular, attractive with unkept hair. under that circustance, i wouldnt have changed a thing. my group of friends consisted of 5-7 people at any time. probably there were lesser people to compare to. so, better chances at being happy....err more satisfied with what we what i had.

now, in the working environment, more attractive and good looking people have better voice and recognition, it is envitable for one to look presentable>>a fancy word for good looking. the bigger the city is, the more obvious it gets.

it is probably true that if one looks good, one can almost get away with anything..dont believe me?? believe it.

good looking people are more confident>>a fancy word for more demanding and stand better chances at interviews. mama! wider range and market for cuter, more muscular group..been there done that.....

isnt that an ugly truth? 

>>not really!

yes there are people who are naturally gifted with good looks....

what the hell it means??

>>ill explain.

what i think is a positive body image can be categorized as below. this is not a stereotype. just divide them to realistic categories and it is not entirely impossible.

1. Skin: clean, clear skin. face, body and elsewhere. forget the tone, clean, odourless skin is a turn on. 

2. Body type: obviously most of us are not born train! go to the gym. if thats too much to ask for, anyone with legs could run. so do it. ever seen how the legs of sprinters look? fuc*ing hot!! it is more about a healthy body image and being overweight and clumsy is not a healthy one. then take it one step higher. 

3. Speech: talking proper language. not butchered malay or broken english. pick a language where ideas can be presented and stick to it. dont do the manglish or tanglish of chinglish.....that reflects poor least i think so.

4. Clothes: branded, designer clothes?? save it for sexdates. they are not necessary for daily usage. good fit and colour that matches the skin tone can do wonders. if you have chicken legs, please stay away from skinny jeans because thats just disgusting. if u have huge chunky legs (with definition) do wear them coz thats shlurrppyy!

so what is a bigger sin? saying one is not gifted in the looks department or not doing anything about it??

dont let others have the upper hand. own the upper hand! 

Monday, December 20, 2010

Doctors and Urinals

a cute doctor told me today: i was just thinking about you today in the clinic and it has been a while since you posted an article at your blog. is everything allright?

it was short. it was brief but it was the exact thing that i had to hear to make me warm and cosy inside. we are yet to meet. exchanged a few messages in planetromeo and it feels really good that someone shows a random act of kindness.

ok, too much mushy and pinky stuff is not good for health..we are butch and burly! ROAR!!!

how many of us pee in the urinal? more often than not, even if there is plenty of urinals available, i find myself reaching out for the cubicle.

if we are talking about stereotypes, can we say that gay men have higher tendency to go to the urinals? well, i think it has been well established that i would be included in the stereotypes and im going to prove it is not a gay think.. CURIOUS, read on..!

im sure that i am not alone in this case. my good friend that i have come out to recently also pees in the cubicle.

in fact, he has never ever peed at the urinals. i have. if i find that there is no one at the loo, i have no problems doin it at the urinal..

i cant speak for himself but i am pretty clear about doing it in the cubicle and this is why:

or, wait a sec, lets me put a little more thought into this.

its not that i hav enever ever peed in the urinal and no i dont think its haunted or i am a neat prick like the lady from desperate housewives or monica who has to clean the toilet 47 times a day...i have no problem with that. in fact i cant remember the last time i cleaned the toilet in my room.. (too much information!)

i have done it in my office, rest area in the highway and everywhere else where people have urinals..but when there is no one else there...

the reason i reach out to the cubicle (still speaking for myself) is because i have my 'junk' nicely 'encased' and tugged into place, completely sealed off from showing any accidental erection.

yes ACCIDENTAL erection because im not a perve having an erection 24-7. so after unwrapping, wrapping it back and putting it into its place can take a while..and it has to be put in a specific location otherwise i couldnt stand up when a cute guy in slacks bends over. fine, im a little pervy!

while it could be possible for some race (who have smaller, shorter penises, no offense) to pee pee, shake shake and throw it back into the underwear (lucky bastards!!>>or not??)

i could never park it upstraight. if i did the head would pop out of my pants...

besides, i hate pee residue in my underwear. by the time i reach home and want to change, the smell can be quite ....quite not to my preference.

although i have been told that the smell is a turn on for some...>>not for me!

there is also something else that id like to consider. a good shake ..

and NO im NOT talking about masturbating in the office (could i have done that before???)

shaking off here means extracting all the liquid from the long tube (size and length may vary from tube to tube)..

so, seriously i dont think its really a gay thing.

its more like the dilemma faced by some people who just have to put it, wrap it and place it in a certain way...and since it takes a while to get it right. peeing in the cubicle could be the best thing that these (me!) people can do...its not rocket science..just facts.

the next time u see a guy going to the cubicle, dont be too quick to judge.and tell yourself:


he might just have bigger, longer junk than you..

while one doctor triggered this post, i ended up calling another one by the time i finished writing this post..i think he has concluded this post...

p.s: he pees at the urinal...ermm what could this possibly mean??

only one way to find out.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Speedbump. Should I be Excited or Worried?

when i first joined this company from one that was of a totally different field, i was very enthused. motivated and wanted to achieve everything in the sun. i was very hardworking, diligent and had no guidance from my superior.

i resorted to asking my senior colleagues for guidance. they were helpful and at the same time were doing things differently from my superior. 

when i ask my boss about the things i dont understand, he remains silent...without a reaction!

when i ask further, he makes his shit face...

oh, by the way he has shitty face on a regular basis, im beginning to think its genetics. he doesnt seem to have a lot of friends. probably because he thinks he knows better than the rest of the world.>>not true!

this was going on for sometime...

ASK THE OTHER SUPERIORS DUDE, i can almost hear that....the trend in my company is that the moment we ask someone else, the news goes to the immediate superior faster than lightning and we would be subjected to 'unpleasant' interview by the shitty face! 

then one day, i told myself that i am not going to ask anything from this useless shitty face. im going to learn everything by myself and going to be better than him..

plus not having a shitty face makes me a pleasant person..with brains i would be unreputed! (theme song playing in the background)...! 

that was 3 years ago.. 
what changed over the years? independence. not thinking shit face knows all. working things out and able to make decisions to a certain extend... final approval still comes from the management aka shit face. 

i dont refer or ask him unless its absolutely necessary...

ok fine!. tell me what are the characteristics of a good! im not talking about teaching stuff. we are not in school anymore. working environment is a dog eat dog world. i get that. im not expecting a special treatment. 

a boss is not necessarily a person who teaches stuff. but he is definitely one that can lead to the correct way of doing things. at least tell me where i can get the information to get the work done. not leaving the documents on my desk and expect me to resolve the issues magically.. am i a magician or something? stupid shit face...

TELL HIM U NEED HELP DUDE, can almost hear that would think i dont say it. i have asked, admitted that i dont know certain things to an extend to emailing him and cc to other boss since he becomes deaf to my questions. but i guess its true. once a shit face always a shitface. not capable of anything more than shit...he ignores it.

one fine day he told me: i see you diligently doing your work and i am getting worried that you might overtake me.

the first time shit face said it, i took it as a joke. second time, i wasnt smiling. third time i asked myself: why would he be worried when he has been doing the job for 20+ years and is an associate director. ive just joined the company recently.

i must look likea superman to him, for him to be threatened.

should i be excited or worried?

that his apparent fear might interfere with my learning process and progress......? or maybe all the defensiveness is just a reflection of him not knowing that much of what he is doing thus he escapes from my questions to avoid saying he is not sure or dont know...

honestly, i think one can only run for so long. there will be a time when he has to face me. the longer it is, the more humiliating it would be..

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

To Kill or not to Kill (Part 2: Get a Life Dude!)

sometimes we regret the decisions we make, wishing for a second chance.

we keep telling ourselves: If only i have done things differently. keep wondering of the positive consequences if the situation were any different.
could it have led to a better future?? thats just wishful thinking..not at all practical...i call these people dreamers. am i one? i dont think so. i feel part of being practical is not regretting our decisions. for a fact i know i havent regretted any of mine.
as much as i think that i want to be practical, i couldnt help wondering how different it would have been if i havent met certain people. take the guy ive talked about in my post 'To Kill or not to Kill'. im freaking glad i killed that relationship..

why am i reacting this way?...i try and try not to be judgemental about him. but i guess theres is only so much that can be endured by a human being.

after the last phone call back in May where i said: u are just irritating wasnt the last of him..

he kept texting.......missed calls were not foreign, forwarded messages, tell me about it...

it was a simple and direct decision. things did not work out and would not work out between us. i felt trapped, cheated and irritated. does that sound like something u want to linger in your life...i didnt want it and i knew it.

we had our differences. it was not rocket science. then the downward spiral...

first, came forwarded messages, next asking back for the things we exchanged (noy by me!), then the missed calls, and saying he would start working at a neighbouring country which made no significance to me.

i guess he just didnt get the fact that i did not want anything to do with him. ANYMORE!
i made up my mind. i am not going to respond. probably best for both parties. i had and still respect him as the person whom i originally got acquainted to, instead of the desperate, attention seeking, obsessive, compulsive, annoying person he has become. i never responded to any of the messages or missed calls.
but like i said a human being can be patient only for so long....
after 6 months of ignoring him, came another message:
have u been telling about me to others? please stay away from me..and i went:


 dont u have any shame??

it was you, who displayed the act of desperation. it was you who seeked the attention when i was no longer interested. it was you who were obsessed when i didnt want a relationship. it was you who just couldnt understand when i said its over...and u have the guts to send that message to me?
are u retarded or something dude? how stupid can you be? do u really think u are worth my time and efford?
seriously dude, grow up. do your homework. have proof before you talk. trash talk, is not my thing. i am not raised to be a backstabber. i know better.

but serious dude, its time for you to grow up. or are u having the delusion of being the most desirable man in the world that everyone is trying to frame you for something that they could have you only for themselves??

yuck! grand delusion!
it is time for you to realize things will never ever work out between us, so stop trying to get my attention. i have a life, a good one and i have met incredible, matured people.
you are the exact opposite of them.....
i want nothing to do with you, and if u still dont get that, maybe my blocking you off all my profiles would make u realize that...
i dont gain anything by trash talking you. u are not even my type and it was me who ended things with u. if u had the slightest common sense, u would have been able to realize that...

and when i say i dont want anything to do with you, i am fucking serious about it.

Get a Life, Dude! 

Monday, December 13, 2010

Shocked but not in a good way.

This would be one of the picture that shocked me but not in a good way.
i think something is seriously wrong with this picture 

So, I Came Out, Big Deal!

i almost had it out of my throat...its true. i have been contemplating it. been confused about it. most importantly not sure about it...yet when my best friends asked: What are these movies about? Amphetamine, Love of Siam, Permanent Residence..i didnt find it difficult to admit that these were gay movies.

of course that prompted a few more questions...why do u have so many gay movies in your hard disk..
now it felt like im trapped. i went: oh, I copied it from my office computer. I just copied the whole thing..

ooooo..was what he said...

then it was not talked about anymore. around 11, i told him: i think you should go back to finish your report. its getting late. text me when u arrived. Sure, he said.

many a times i just wanted to say why i had those movies. but i chickened out. i couldnt come out....

a little later, i got a text from him saying: ive already arrived home.

i replied: Ok. Thanks for coming. Im bisexual and i think you already know it.

he replied: Dont worry, me too..!

so i came out, Big Deal!!so i say boohoo!!!to those who are still closetted...

hold that thought....i still have the rest of the world to tell..

as easy it was to come out, to act normal again with him, is the tough part. lets see whats in store for me..

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Gym (Part 1: How Pathetic Was I?)

the first time i entered a gym years ago, it turned out to be a really selfconcious and self doubting experience.

i just started working in muar and this particular gym caught my eye. it was somewhere near the hospital on the first floor of a shop house.
i went there a few days earlier to ask about the rate per entry. i was not sure about becoming a member back then (hmmm in still not a member of any gym!! scratching head!).

i went up the stairs after work and i could hear all the metal clunking sound. i was very enthused. i was dressed up in my office wear so i had a lot of confidence (i look gooooddd in my office wear). i went through the door and my jaw dropped for two reasons!!!!
the first reason being: the gym was so worn out. the carpet hat gaping holes in them and theres a very obvious salty scent to the whole room. it could possibly be urine or sweat or a combination of both. it was very interesting to learn that there wasnt any changing room.

too much for my fetish to be become true so soon....however, there was a bathroom which was no longer in use / or a big closet (cant really recall) used for changing.

no one ever uses these rooms for changing except me!!!! and the bathroom which was indeed in use is a traumatic experience i dont want to talk about....the equipment on the other hand were worn out and started to rust.

the second reason: despite the worn out condition of the gym, i noticed that the guys who went there (indonesians and some chinese guys) we so delicious! i couldnt tahan their deliciousness..a few days later i made up my mind that i am going to this particular gym afterall.
on my big first day, i went to the so called big closet to change. i was mesmerized by the scent of cat urine in it. i didnt know i could hold my breath for so long. i could have easily survived the titanic. i asked the chinese uncle if there was any trainer in the gym and the uncle asked an indonesian guy to teach me the basics..

i dont think he was a trainer...just someone from my wet dream...(whoopss!!)
now, before we go deeper into that, let me tell about how i behave in the gym.
i am actually not an arrogant bastard at gym. it is not an impression that i consciously give out in the gym. im just a guy who is pretty private in the gym..ok fine, i dont know how to make friends in gym..
my social skills are impaired when i see delicious, sweaty men in tiny pants. i become self concious and retract from any form of conversation... what can i do??
so this indonesian guy was showing my the basics and all i could think about was licking his biceps. god, it was so big and sweaty. he had a spaghetti strap kind of singlet on him and i all i can think about was mounting him!!
i get a feeling that poeple are watching me at gym, and i hate when there are other guys waiting for me to finish my reps at an already self concious as it is..!

maybe if i had some friends the or able to make one, i wouldnt have been so concious..
unfortunately i was the only guy in the gym who had to go to the cat urine aromatheraphy closet to change..

how pathetic was i???

while the yummy men were so confident and changing in public or wearing the tiniest of pants and sitting with their legs spread out shirtless exposing their bulge!! 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

What is This About, I don't Seem to Get an Answer

when we were kids our world revolved around our parents. 

we seek them for attention, for love and being accompanied by our parents made perfect sense. it provided and fulfilled our emotional needs and we were happy. 

a few years later, we find that our parents can no longer be 100% part of our lives and we seek friends to fulfill that emotional need. while parents still play an important role, our world starts to revolve around our friends.

puppy love, going for movies, yumcha and gossiping. during the teenage years sometimes we think that our friends are the most hip and happening people around. then we leave our school mates, tuition mates and kindergarden mates and enter university. 

here we see the true colours of people. the good ones, the really good ones, the bad ones and the ones you wish you dont see for the rest of your lives. 

parents take a back seat, we inform them of our very important decisions as we are capable of making decisions by ourselves.

enter the working environment. we find ourselves having even lesser really good friends. colleagues just seem to have an agenda all the time. we get introduced to the world of office politics, backstabbing, jealousy and arrogance.

the next step is seeking for spousal love. 

even though i am very lucky in the sense that i can still talk about everything i want to my parent (except the gay part), siblings, relatives and my really good friends from university, there is somehow a longing for a special kind of love and attention. 

with all my travelling lately, i find myself on the lookout for that special kind of attention but not from frm friends, family or relatives.

it maybe about companionship or attention. despite the fact that i have a healthy relationship with my friends, family and relatives i still find myself staring at the ceiling asking myself....what is this about?
and i dont seem to get an answer.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Men Whom I dont Aspire to Be

we have all seen pictures of men who make us melt with envy and overwhelmed with lust.....being a fan of the muscles, i have tendency ...(URGE is a better word) to keep them safely in my hard disk...since i dont collect porn. these pictures are what i resort to when i..........

when i am less motivated to exercise....and i am very sure most of you expected to read MASTURBATE...(perv!)..i know, i know!

arun, we are not supposed to compare ourselves with others. heard that one too many times already..but i think if we dont compare ourselves with others, how do we improve ourselves? ok, setting a benchmark for ourselves would be a better way of saying it....i do it all the time...

my reasonings are pretty simple. take an exam for an instance. if i get a 80 and another guy gets a 90, i can go around thinking 80 is a pretty decent mark..but there is also other people who can get way better than that score...and there is very little reason not to get a 90 as wll..

maybe its an obsession with wanting to be the best...well not the BEST.1 is the loneliest number...wanting to be among the best is actually my thing ..i think thats a reasonable thing...of course not in everything single thing i do....because thats just crazy..

only the things that i think means a lot to me..

maybe for an athlete, being the best at his game means a lot to my case its my career...i do want to be among the best in what i do. i think being able to be among the best means my efforts and hard work are paying off.these a very could be promotions, bonuses, increments and many other things that defines a successful career..what i thrive to be in my career is to be technically good, independant and confident, money bonuses, appraisal and promotion would follow suit..just have to be really good at what i do..that makes me very satisfied......

i am also a little pushy when it comes to working out..i used to be underweight. weighing just 45kgs when i was at the second year of my university..even the smallest of shirts and pants would be loose for me. those were the sad days. 

when i began working, i started hitting the gym and i am now 57-58kgs of weight. well im not the most chiseled guy in the gym or the most muscular one for that matter but im pretty damn proud of myself..i have come a long way. it would have been so much easier to just give up..

anyways, todays entry is about pictures of men who i dont aspire to not judging these men..i have alot of respect for them and im sure they worked really hard...i just dont dig their look....enjoy. 

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