to kill or not to kill?

so our first meet was a blast full of interesting conversation that lasted for 4 hours. we exchanged our opinion, had drinks, walked around and discussed our likes and dislikes in detail.

at first glance you were this guy who were cute, nicely dressed and manly with no hint of your feminine side. i was happy and really satisfied over the meet. the next day, you invited me to your home for lunch and even when i was reluctant to visit your family, i went anyway because u seemed to be genuine and i wanted to respect that.

when i asked you if your family knew you were gay, u assured me that they had no idea. hearing that i was very comfortable to go to your house. at your house, i said hi to your mom and went through the family album and i told myself, i like this guy alot. he's independant, cute and we can be great friends.

by the way, in my definition, great friends surpasses being life partners because as friends we respect each other, can totally be ourselves and share everything.

the third meet you came over to my workplace. we chatted, and had sex for hours. that was great. i enjoyed it immensely. i dropped you off the next day at the train station enjoying a good lunch before that. i said to myself, it was a nice weekend. 

over lunch u told me about your family situation, pass relationships, personal fears and a lot of otther things. i appreciated everything because for me it felt like you really trust me and it means a lot for me. at the same time, i felt like u think of me a little more than friends. which i was not prepared to be. you told me that your family knew u were gay and i was really shocked because i was not ready to be exposed in that way. especially to someone else's family. i was dissappointed and felt cheated. i kept it to myself because i didnt want to ruin the evening.

when i tried to explain to you that i am not ready for a serious relationship and want us to be friends, you reassured to me that u are not asking me to be anything more than just friends. i was sceptical but your reassurance was very comforting.

we continued to talk over the phone a few times daily and slowly i begin to realise that you are now expecting me to be exclusive with you. you want me to be faithfull to you. i cant compliment anyone on facebook and everything seemingly needs to be preapproved by you. 

our fourth meet at my place, you brought food over and we had dinner together. i am beginning to choke over whats happening now. i made it clear that you need not bring dinner over and u insisted that u wanted to anyway. we had dinner watched some series and we had sex again....

next morning, lying naked on the bed, i had to explain my state of mind to you as i am tired of feeling choked all the time. i wanted to see your reaction when i said that im going to get married. you reaction has superbly confirmed that in your mind we are definitely more than just friends. which was the original agreement between us. in fact i made it very clear in the previous meet that i want to focus on my career and can be entangled in a relationship.

so coming back to going to get married........

you were angry, upset and wanted to leave immediately..i did not understand it because i never said that we were exclusive and i was never ready for it. i was shocked because i am in the middle of a messed up friendship that i never agreed to. then i told you, it was a lie..

at the same time, i told  again that i want to spend my time to focus on my career and family because these are my priorities at the moment. you were pissed and refuse to talk. i just couldnt let this go. i could not agree to a relationship which i was not ready and i cant be in it to please you when i am suffocating. 

when i asked you what if somewhere down the lane, i decide to get married, you went berserk. you said how could i want to get married when i was having sex with a guy? i said im not decided about that part of my life. at this moment i enjoy what is happening. i enjoy your company and enjoy the sex and i enjoy the moment. whats going to happen in the future is still very much open for me. which is the real fact since we are not in a realtionship anyway.

i told you, i am attracted to you but i am not in love with you or anyone else for that matter at the moment. so if i fall in love with a girl, or a guy in the future that is yet to happen and for me to decide as for me im just enjoying the present moment with you. and i have time and time again explained that i am not ready or want to be in a relationship at the moment.

so you went to crazy mode, and went to take shower. you told me: I WAS VERY PREPARED FOR THIS. I KNOW GUYS LIKE YOU. DONT EVER TALK TO ME, SMS ME OR TRY TO SEE ME AGAIN!!

and i went like this: what the fuck dude, what the hell happened?? are u breaking up with me??BREAKING UP??when were we in a relationship in the first place? when did i say i love you? i said im attracted to you and i love spending time with you...so what the hell happened really??

i was blurr and i was confused i just could not comprehend it? you said u wanted to go back immediately. there was nothing much for me to say. you made the decision for the both of us. you assumed we were in a relationship and that i have cheated you and i just wanted to have sex with you.

cheated?just wanted sex?

??? how is it possible for me to cheat you when we were never in a relationship?have i ever told u i loved you?all i said is that i enjoyed spending time with u. about me using you just for sex??how is that possible wwhen we both consented on it. i did not rape you or now were u a virgin. how could i have used you when we both enjoyed it everytime. plus you were not the only man in this world for me to have sex with. sex is available EVERYWHERE.

so everything made sense now that u had an impression that both of us were in a relationship after the second meet where i went to your house for lunch. in the car afterwards you lectured me that i will not be happy, will never find a guy like you in the world, no one will care for me the way you do and stuff....i just dont freaking get it dude..why are u telling me all these? when we are just friends??why????

when i made it very clear that i was just attracted to you, not in love with you or anyone else and u finally understood what i said in my room, you appologised. i didnt think it was necessary. by now, the only thing running in my mind is: GOD WHAT THE HELL HAVE I COMMITTED MYSELF TO??

i just dont get this guy...and im sure this will happen again in future.

and so it did yesterday...i called you again as i used to before i went for my long holiday and we talked like normal. you told me that u were thinking about what i said about getting married last time and you said that its ok if theres an opportunity to get married i should and go ahead with it. towards the end of the telephone conversation you asked me: WHICH GUY WERE YOU TALKING TO BEFORE YOU CALLED ME HUH??!!!

i told u that u are really IRRITATING me and you said, go and have a rest..you text me again saying u were joking and not to take that seriously.

i seriously think that u could not understand what being friends and not being in a relationship mean. im really exhausted to pretend that im not disturbed by this at all times assuming that im your partner. i cant do it. i just dont want to feel suffocated all the time.

honestly i dont know how to make you realise that. i care for you a lot. but how can you confuse that with me wanting to be in a serious relationship with you.

if you were in my place how would you decide wheter TO KILL OR NOT TO KILL what we have now??