Few Months to Attempt at Friendship and See if I am Capable of it!

last week turned out to be a super exhausting week. the weekend was even WORSE.

in everybody's mind, the most reasonable thing to be exhausted from around this time of the year would be from partying, clubbing, hanging out, and all the nice things. 

unlucky for for me...it was none of the above. i was kept busy by doing the most physically exhausting boring work. whats left for me to celebrate this week is muscle soreness, sleepiness and tiredness. 

even though the weekend almost put an end to my physical being, friday night however was a little interesting and 'fun'...

i was at my 'buddy's' place late evening and after a tiring 'activity' we had a good chat till the wee hours..

the chat went to a tricky part. apparently Y has had a few relationships and he is still looking for a relationship that he can call his own. he is one of the optimistic few who thinks he can make it work. just by that sentence i think we all know my stand on this one. while he was all enthused talking about his experiences. when it was my turn, it was a totally different scenario. i told him: 

me: y, i have not been in a relationship, i dont think it would ever work, men think with their penis, do u think we can be faithful?. 

y: do you have any gay friends that you do not sleep with?

i was quite surprised at that question and more surprised at my answer.

me: y, i do not know what i am (straight / bi / gay), what i want (relationship. ONS), im  27 and still i dont seem to know about this. i freak out at the i dea of anyone from my family or friends knowing about my extra curricular activies.. i suppose when i meet gay men that is exclusively for sex.

i really didnt realize that this is what i have been doing all these while when i meet men. and true enough when the first meet is for heating up the sheets there is very little interest to get to know the person / personality better. i just didnt seem to realize that before.

y: are u serious? u only meet gay men for sex?

me: (i he trying to make me feel guilty?) im all confused and dont know what i want, im allowed to do that y!!..(nice save!!)

y: i think its time for you to make friends with gay men and not have sex with them.

me: is that even possible??

y: yeah! its the same with straight people. guys have friends who are women and they dont have sex with all of them!
me: im not sure if i can do that. when i know for a fact that he is sexually attracted to me and we are confined in a space where there is no one else, how do i not make the advances?

y: of course u can..

me: meeting guys and keeping my hands with myself??

y seems to have it all pretty clearly figured out. he has his friends over, exes, friends of exes and they all hangout together at his place. he is out to almost everyone other than his own family and seems to be HAPPY!

while I on the other hand get stunned by the mere mention of the word GAY!

well, y is a designer and we did talk about how gay men are generally more acceptable in the fashion / design field. so, i asked y: 

me: y, do your friends and boss at work know u are gay? 

y: yes they do

me: did you tell them of your sexual preference?

y: not exactly telling them in person, but when we go for lunch, i check out boys and i tell them the things i like. in our conversations i also talk about my boyfriend stuff...

by the way, even though y is a designer, he is very straight acting and has no hint of effeminacy in him...just if someone is wondering.

me: (LUCKY BASTARD!!!, i should have become a designer, where the grass is way greener!!)

so y convinced me to have more gay friends with whom i dont make sexual advances. 

and tell u what, im on a quest of doing it. who knows what i might realize.

lucky me there is a Malaysian student studying in Korea who wants to know me better. to be on the safe side, i cant 'rape' him over dinner since he is beyond my reach...what happens when comes back for his semester break is anybody's guess

but at least i have a few months to attempt at friendship and see if i am capable of it!